“We are not horsing around,” claimed Susie McCue’s neighbor.
Photo by Maria Dhilla
Ivermectin and other horse-related medications have long been out of stock following claims made by disingenuous physicians in the South that the drug could cure symptoms of COVID-19. The shortage of these medicines, coupled with unexpected heavy rains in the South, have increased the amount of Large Redworms found in horses, causing a sudden and severe uptick in horse deaths. With the price of owning a horse ten thousand times greater this year, and the antiquated, almost archaic Southern horse care system causing issues within the community, friction has emerged between the owners and caretakers of these few, prized horses.
Tensions between the consumers and the horse-owners in the South bubbled and eventually burst when Susie McCue stabbed George Brown in the neck during her Birthday Party Prancing Funtime Ragtime Lil’ Pony show. Brown, the owner of the last two ponies in Georgia, had reportedly refused to show the ponies without advance payment on his original contract with the McCue family — a significant breach of contract that was upheld under the “Richest Man Wins All” Ruling of 1806. McCue, after being reminded of this, then stood on the table and stabbed Brown in the neck with acake knife still lightly coated in buttercream frosting.
Preacher George Henry of the Baptist Church took this event as a sign from God. During a sermon, he erupted, “This is a sign … from God! God has sent plague and violence upon our children, sent us soiling our own pants in the eyes of the Lord, all to punish us for erecting mechanized effigies that defy him!” The church took to waging a war on everything automated, which began in the parking lot and eventually reached the farms surrounding the county.
With all mechanized contraptions disabled for 50 miles in every direction, the townspeople elected Pastor Henry as God-King and have revitalized serfdom in their small town. Although the town previously had almost unanimously voted for Trump in the 2020 election, and residents were very vocal about personal freedoms, they are “satisifed” under the iron fist of their God-King.
Inexplicable events have followed the destruction of the machines. Those who spoke in local Georgian accents have changed their intonations to match English serfs from Monty Python movies. Harrison Blyme, an IT- worker-turned-wheat-harvester, stated, “Is a sim-pul life. Me God-King, wants the wheat to be harvested, yeah, so we do the harvesting, for ’em. I used to do wicked things, a most sinful creature, but now I am a reformatted man, and I’ll go to Heaven and see the radiance of only God’s touch, if he be willing, yeah.” The town has also donned raglike clothing and small woolen caps, and everyone has covered themselves in grime in order to “be closer to God-King.”
Susie McCue, the catalyst for this entire event, expressed her joy with how everything has played out. “All I ‘ad to do was stab a wanker ‘nd now all me friends n everyone gets to have a turn on the pony. That is when they’re not workin’ the fields. They mostly work the fields now, as our till to the soil plants the seed of the Lord, and showers the God-King with his many splendors.” Susie McCue is now employed as the town’s butcher after they recognized her proficiency with blades.
Not much is known about the future of “Henrystown,” but the inhabitants are hopeful. Unfortunately for the town, with their local hospital burnt to the ground, there will be no available room to house COVID-19 patients.
Andrew Sitko was recently arrested by the comedy police and charged for Possession of Killer Jokes. This is their second offense following a Grand Larceny charge from January 27th, 2003.
