Discord Mods Confused About New Kitten Adoption Agency


Written by: Gabrielle Hart

“I hate that I actually know what a catgirl is now,” remarked Ahmed.
Photo by Sharon Roth

The local humane society has just opened up a newly added kitten adoption center. The public response has been overwhelmingly pawsitive except for a small yet outspoken group: Discord mods. Discord mods across the country descended upon the shelter looking for a human replacement for their anime body pillow but were shocked when they arrived. The shelter’s email had hundreds of emails rolling in asking if they deliver to those who have not left their house in three years.

Despite Discord mods’ notorious anti-social nature, quite a few of them visited the shelter in person, including local resident Kevin Block, who moderates the Among Us fanfiction discord. “I was absolutely flabbergasted when I saw actual cats instead of a girl wearing cat ears who would obey my every command. Don’t people know that ‘kitten’ is the universal term used by men who don’t shower weekly?”

The shelter worker Tina Ahmed who assisted Kevin Block said, “He asked me if I had any ‘real kittens’ in the back, and when I asked what he meant, he flashed me his Discord account like an FBI badge. He then tried mansplaining what the word ‘moderate’ meant to me for 15 minutes.” Tina later remembered he “also gestured to the military stars lining the shoulders of his trench coat, saying that it represented ‘every time I muted someone in a voice channel,’ as if that was impressive.”

After opening day, the shelter’s CCTV cameras caught a group of five men wearing ill-fitting “Rick and Morty” shirts writing the word “BANNED” across the windows of the shelter in spray paint. The owner, Catherine Litter, had this response to the chaos: “My grandson explained to me what a ‘discuss modern’ is and why they vandalized my shelter. Although I am furociously angry, I am thankful they purchased my entire stock of collars and leashes.”

Most Discord mods reacted in anger, but one mod found a silver lining. Tom Jones initially called the shelter and was looking for “a younger kitten” and was reportedly “overwhelmed with excitement” when the worker recommended he adopt the kitten’s sister as well. After the worker clarified it was in fact the animal up for adoption and not e-girls wearing tennis skirts, Tom Jones still expressed interest in providing a cat a forever home. The adoption center later visited the Jones residence, noting “The Tom Jones residence was very clean except for the bottles of piss under a gaming desk with six curved monitors.” Tom Jones left with a black cat named Pog Champ and a litter box that Jones reportedly hopes to install “LED lights and a water-cooled automatic cleaner” on.

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