A new study found that the act of standing up during corporate meetings and frustratingly lashing out by slamming one’s hands on various conference tables is the direct and primary reason for the United States’ overall strength, status, and power in the world.
“From this study, we can conclude that the U.S. can attribute its dominance due to the brave men and women who risk their careers every single day to forcefully thrust their clenched hands — or, in some cases, open palms — onto tables,” said lead researcher Saundra Davis.
“It’s not too hard to believe that our table slamming has been worthwhile to the U.S. all along,” she continued, giving the table a solid thump for good measure.
Despite its recent release, the study has already been widely adopted by many Americans as validation for their tendency to unleash nationalistic rage upon tables through a powerful exertion of downwards force.
“I’ve been slamming the table in every staff meeting I’ve been in since 2002,” said political science professor Steven Scheppman, “and I’m glad to hear that it’s doing some well-deserved good for this country.
“The more our loyal American citizens really hit those tables, the more our allies respect us, and the more our enemies fear us. And that’s how you get ahead in the world.”