Photo by: Riley Mallory
Men have been found to be manlier than ever, as reported by a recent scientific study. Researchers attribute this increase in manliness to factors including the ubiquity of the word “bruh,” the advent of CrossFit, the hyper-inflation of male egos, and an even spicier Old Spice deodorant.
An auxiliary research endeavor branching from the original study is also on the verge of finding a positive correlation between the number of times a man has sex in a week and his average level of manliness (confounding factors such as beard length, size of penis, and amount of protein consumed in a week have not yet been accounted for).
A factor that was especially significant in determining the average level of manliness of the present generation was what head researcher Dr. Ramachandran Pandey called, “The Objectification of Women and the Bicep Curl Product.” It first measured, to 43 significant figures, how precisely a man could identify a woman as a piece of meat. Some men only had a rudimentary capacity to properly identify a women as either red or white meat. However, most introduced unfathomable levels of precision into the conventional system of objectification, citing new categories such as a “robust T-bone steak” and a “coconut shrimp.”
The number gathered from the first stage of analysis was multiplied by the amount of weight (in kilograms) the sample male bicep curls. For the samples selected, the product often gave a manliness measurement that reached levels obtained by the leaders of male society, entertainers, and celebrities. If the current trend continues, men will be able to reach the highest echelon of success: in Dr. Pandey’s words, “Chillin in a pool of champagne and snorting protein powder off a naked woman, who of course, just made a couple hundred sandwiches.”
According to Pandey, the permeating nature of free internet porn allowed millennial men to score “off the charts, literally” on the Objectification of Women measurement, setting themselves far ahead of the pack from earlier generations. It seems that viewing women covered in whipped cream especially aided the proper evolution of the male psychology. By seeing how intimacy is supposed to work, millennial men are now able to integrate proper whipped-cream technique into their repertoire of “ninja-sex-moves,” allowing them to maintain their dominance in management and STEM careers.
The research team also chose to analyze the childhood histories of the subjects they used for the study. Children who frequently said “please” and knew basic table manners grew up to fill the “Least Manly” category and were less likely to end up in a leadership position, or in the top tax bracket. Dr. Pandey described the behavior as “barbaic,” setting these children leagues behind their “take-what-you-want, who-needs-silverware” counterparts.
Furthermore, according to the study, any man committing the “cardinal sin” of practicing kindness or thinking deeply should immediately stop, or else risk a 21 percent or higher decrease in salary. A popular psychological tool to inhibit this type of behavior is to replace phrases with conventional “Bro Speak.” For example, replace the phrase “Where did we come from? Who made us?” with “Go lift bruh.” Or, replace the phrase “I wonder how I can make my partner feel happy and appreciated” with “I wanna switch things up with anal tonight.”
In a related study, scientists have discovered a positive correlation between the annual salary of a man and his ability to properly coordinate the perfect game of “fuck, marry, and kill.”
Written by: Ankush Challa
