Briefs

Briefs

Ted Cruz Rebrands as TritonEd Cruz

Written by: The MQ

Citing a need to “appear more friendly” and avoid “legacy issues,” Ted Cruz announced his legal name change to TritonEd Cruz days before the Iowa Caucus. …

Briefs

UCSD Renames Website, Fixes Problem Apparently

Written by: The MQ

UCSD continued its transition from using popular Blackboard clone TED to TritonEd, solving a problem which officials insist “once existed and now does not.” The transition, …

Briefs

Two Titans of UCSD Class Battle Over Reading Neither Understood

Written by: The MQ

Rufus Dunmore and Elliot Sinclair, mountainous figures in Professor Glenmore’s EDS 138 class, squared off in class during a discussion. Their voices, charged with the confidence …

Briefs

ERC Student Finds Plastic in Cafe Ventanas Food; Excited for Change of Pace

Written by: The MQ

Last Wednesday, ERC sophomore Dylan Biggs was surprised and delighted to find a piece of plastic within his Chicken Noodle Soup while eating at Cafe Ventanas. …

Briefs

ResNet to Install Dial-Up Modems in dorms

Written by: The MQ

After a campus wide Internet shortage, ResNet promised to address all complaints by installing state-of-the-art dial-up modems. “This is a serious problem, despite what anyone would …

Briefs

Backpacks Lack Tact When Used in Sack

Written by: The MQ

Recent feedback on the rucksack sex act reveals the sad sack fallback is a drawback. Once popular in the time of smokestacks and railroad tracks, the …

Briefs

Facebook debuts Second-Order Read Receipts, You’re the Asshole Again

Written by: The MQ

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg introduced a wave of new features to the website last week, chief among them what he’s calling “second order read receipts.” “This …

Briefs

Officials Propose Cancellation of Sun God Cancellation Proposal

Written by: The MQ

The Sun God Festival’s team, along with Vice Chancellor of Student Affairs Juan Gonzalez, met this month to discuss the future of proposals to permanently cancel …

Briefs

Cru and InterVarsity Hold Price War on Library Walk Hugs

Written by: The MQ

This past Wednesday, to coincide with the approach of finals, Campus Crusade for Christ and InterVarsity both offered hugs for charity on Library Walk, resulting in …

Briefs

California School Revitalizes Test Scores by Moving Problem Children to Other Schools

Written by: The MQ

After years of struggle to meet standards set by state guidelines, Franklin Elementary exceeded expectations by developing a new strategy: move all of the “problem” children …