Written by: The MQ

A report released by the UCSD Police Department linked a “dramatic rise” in student assassinations to long class waitlists. The report was released three weeks after waitlists closed, a delay the department attributed to the speed of its “DataMaster 1980” mainframe.

“We’ve monitored campus assassinations for a few years now,” said Sergeant Katherine Bird. “We’re used to seeing the occasional roommate pushed off a balcony or professor’s coffee spiked with cyanide, but we didn’t see this coming.

“Our working theory is that the spike stems from a glitch in WebReg that showed who is ahead of each student on a waitlist,” Bird continued. “Students could then figure out who to target in order to get into their classes.”

The data indicated that organic chemistry classes saw the worst assassination rates, a trend the report attributed to the classes’ notoriously large waitlists and high proportion of desperate pre-meds.

At press time, the police were investigating an “Assassination Club” who had successfully petitioned A.S. for part of the recently cut media funds to purchase various poisons.

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