Articles
Local Police to Enact New Recruitment Strategy
“I hear that somewhere during the course, they handcuff you,” said one interested studentwho chose to remain anonymous.Photo by Amit Roth In November 2020, voters unanimously …
Microsoft Introduces Windows Remote Defender
Recent reports claim that federal politicians are “freaking the fuck out.”Photo by Jordan Whitlow In the release notes for the upcoming version 25H1 of Windows 11, …
My ‘Winter Alpha Arc’ Was Found to Just Be Depression
I’ve been on something of a self-improvement journey as of late. It all started when I was doing my daily doomscrolling, and I came across a …
Literature Major Mistakes Sign for Signified
“I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes,” said third-year Literature/Writing major Ace Bassington.Photo by Liv Gilbert Literature major Earnest Bytheway has reportedly mistaken …
A Call to Pirates and Landlubbers Alike
Ahoy there! This be pirate captain Blondebeard, scourge of the seven seas, with an urgent message for all ye mermaids, mermen, and scallywags of unspecified gender …
UCSD Announces Inter-College Competition
“This is the first time I’ve seen Chancellor Khosla on campus,” said one student. “What a hunk!”Photo by Ezra Bihis This past Thursday, UC San Diego …
UCSD Unveils New Noise Regulations
“This really hertz,” said student Oswald Frequario.Photo by Madeline Mozafari and Liv Gilbert In anticipation of the upcoming Regents budget committee meeting, UC San Diego Facilities …
UC Regents Approves UCPD Request for 1,000 Rubber Ducks
“Somehow, the ducks have more training than the UCPD,” said fourth-year student Ana Platt.Photo by Jordan Whitlow At the University of California Regents meeting on September …
UCSD Dining Halls To Become Allergy-Hostile
“HDH is really covering all their bases with this allergen stuff,” said Shelly Fisher. “They’re even making all their silverware out of nickel!”Photo by Dylan Schmidt …
BTS Member Declared Missing In Action; Reunion Delayed
Biden has reportedly promised “only the softest and sweetest of kisses for these poor, dear boys.”Photo by Farhad Taraporevala In an urgent press conference, HYBE Corporation …
