Articles
Linguists Discover “i” in Team
A group of local linguists discovered Tuesday that, contrary to a popular aphorism, there is in fact an ‘i’ in “team.” Although a representative from the …
Kevin Faulconer Confesses Love to San Diego Chargers Right Before they Board Plane to LA
San Diego Mayor Kevin Faulconer was spotted running through San Diego International Airport in an attempt to confess his love to the Chargers before they boarded …
America’s Soup: A Great White Cream of Diversity
Think of the United States not as a great melting pot of steels and irons, but as a large cauldron cooking up a mighty fine Texas …
White Militia Man, Not Terrorist, Wanted After Non-Terrorist Attack
Following an incident on Jan. 18 in which he fired an assault rifle at an Oklahoma Court House for “five uninterrupted minutes,” white militia member Stephen …
Ten Dead in Fire at Exit Sign Factory, Unable to Find Real Exit
Official investigation has intensified regarding ExitCo, the world’s leading manufacturer of exit signs, in the aftermath of a recent fire at a major ExitCo production center …
iPod Maker Apple Announces Plans to Develop Mobile Phone
Apple Inc., a Cupertino-based tech startup best known for releasing a portable music player in the previous decade, just announced a projected release date for their …
Study Confirms Raccoons Not Microwave Safe
Recent research by undergraduate students has confirmed a curious radiobiological phenomenon. “It has long been theorized that microwaving raccoons is a bad idea, but our research …
Area Woman Decides in Record Time to Not Have Sex with Tinder Date
Guinness World Records recently awarded their prestigious award for “quickest time for deciding not to have sexual intercourse with another human (male)” to Patricia Cornbread, officially …
Local Cop Unsure If Woman Shouting “What Have I Done?” Is Doing So Rhetorically
Local police sergeant Frederick Huntsberry stumbled upon a peculiar scene last night when he found a woman kneeling in the middle of the streets, staring at …
Drug Dealer Has Poor Q4, Will Match Internet Prices
In response to vastly underwhelming profit margins in Q4 2015, Winnie “Whee” Dolores, Lorry Park’s local drug dealer, has announced a new policy of allowing internet …
