News
U.N. Institutes Ethics Training, Solves All World Problems
In a sweeping gesture of global leadership, the United Nations General Assembly has unilaterally decreed that every single person in the world must now undergo an …
Actors In 50s “Too Young” to Play Opposite Women in 20s
Multiple actors in Hollywood have recently revealed that they were victims of ageism, being turned down for roles that were intended to be romantic opposites of …
Bacon Found to Cause Cancer, South Secedes
In a recent controversiaI decision, a panel of experts ruled that eating processed meats such as bacon raises one’s risk of developing cancer. As the announcement …
Donald Trump Tries Goody’s Burrito for First Time, Decides Mexican Immigrants Can Stay
Following Donald Trump’s visit to UCSD, the Republican front-runner and likely presidential candidate has decided to reverse his entire foreign policy because of a burrito purchased …
Area Man Shoots Down Drone, Declares Himself King of the Skies, Ruler of the Four Winds
After shooting down a neighbor’s drone hovering 25 feet above the ground in his front yard, local electrician and recreational firearm enthusiast Boris Knotwood leveraged his …
Paid Family Leave Bill Passed After Cis Man Impregnated
Overwhelming majorities in both the House and the Senate passed an amendment to the Family and Medical Leave Act of 1993 last month, requiring employers to …
Study Finds Taller Americans at Increased Risk of Hitting Head on Passing Jets
A study conducted by the American Medical Association, in conjunction with the University of California, San Diego, confirmed that certain individuals who are taller than others, …
Area Mad Scientist Crowdfunds Affront to God
Area Mad Scientist Hugo Mounster began using crowdfunding platform GoFundMe to raise money to create life that is “an affront to all the gods of man.” …
New Standardized Test Implements A Through Z Answer Choices, Fixes Public Education
Several California school districts adopted a new standardized test aimed at providing more effective determinations of a student’s intelligence and knowledge base. The test encourages divergent …
Satan Declares Rap Superstar Fetty Wap “Not a Real Devil Worshiper”
The Dark Lord Satan, also known as Beelzebub, announced his disdain towards popular rapper Fetty Wap in a press conference Tuesday. The press conference, held in …
