RIMAC to be converted to fighting-type gym.
Photo by Amit Roth
On May 7, ShinyHunters, a self-proclaimed “white hat” cybercrime ring, compromised schoolwork platform Canvas. In additon to blocking the site, ShinyHunters reportedly “lowk [sic] just solved string theory” and effectively captured some of Canvas users in what appeared to be Pokéballs. In the words of the anonymous leader, who has requested to be referred to the alias “707 EXTREME”, “Getting into their puny systems wasn’t hard at all; even a middle schooler could have done it. But the Pokéballs? That’s something Futaba would be proud of! Now we can collect students’ sensitive information, and the students themselves! I mean, build a sick team to take down greedy corporations!”
Immediately following the breach, students and faculty reported seeing “menacing text”, “malicious links”, and “worse than usual UI” when accessing Canvas. A small number of users were sucked into Pokéballs after accessing the site and are unavailable for comment. At press time, 36 students are currently stuck in these quasi-pocket dimensions. 707 elaborated on the situation, “It’s sad that it had to come to this, but there was really no choice but to attack random young adults. If only Canvas listened to us earlier and coughed up $3 trillion…or even just a few Premium Raid Passes.” 707 sighed and began to type a “Hello World” program on their laptop when asked for further comment on the ethics of kidnapping students.
ShinyHunters reportedly only concerns itself with “collecting shinies”, or students possessing what the group sees as “rare stats.” These students’ unifying traits include having medical details, family history, and potentially sensitive information stored on Canvas.
“You’re on team ShinyHunters now! We’ll keep that stuff hidden,” 707 reassured. “But you’re gonna have to pay up if you want those lucrative buffs back. Prepare for trouble and make it double, type shit.” ShinyHunters’ Canvas manifesto detailed these potentially exploitative efforts as “crucial to get back at chuddy corporations.”
Despite being a direct target of the organization, many students are flocking to ShinyHunters’ defense. In a new subreddit, r / S h i n y H u n t e r S t a n s , fans laud the hackers’ efforts to take down their “cringe” schools. User u/KarmaGobbler posted, “ShinyHunters, I am yours. I am ready to be your Buddy Pokémon after you got my midterm rescheduled and showed piggy Canvas who’s BOSS…” Later in the post, u/KarmaGobbler included his SSN and mother’s address as “gifts” for ShinyHunters.
Despite ShinyHunters’s attempts to frame their work as hacktivism, the blackmailing student-collectors’ shutdown of such a vital global platform stoked controversy among those trying to pass their classes, as well as the kidnapped students. Former 4.0 pre-med Gracie Abart lamented the situation, stating, “I had a final for human anatomy yesterday, and I thought I’d be able to take a few last looks at my professor’s slides just to really nail everything down, but these dic[ey people] had to come and screw it all up! I forgot all about that stupid phrenic nerve, and now my shiny, pristine 4.0 is diminished into a 3.999.” Abart opened Canvas to demonstrate and was sucked into a Pokéball, promptly vanishing “to a Pokédex far away,” as some have theorized.
“We’re sorry about the data and your stupid exams and all that,” stated 707 while laundering money through the dark web, “But we just had to do this…for the greater good, you know? It’s just a win-win that we also get to collect limited-edition students! I am an offensive player after all, and I can’t wait to see what these new students will do for my extortion-type build. Gotta hack ‘em all!”
Born of the verboten demicolon, Aidan stitches together phrases, appendages, worlds. He’s allegedly “connected things beyond your mortal comprehension” and plans to horizontally expand across the phylogenetic tree. Resulting from Virginia Woolf's "malign machinations," he has been banished to a lighthouse until he can create functional Icarian wings.
