Job Haver/Work Goer
Is it me, or are people just hiring anybody these days? I only ask because, last week, I heard that an old schoolmate of mine, Mandy, had started his first salaried job. I didn’t think he’d be good for anything, so the news far surpassed the sorry expectations I had for his future prospects.
Mandrew McMuggins — that was his Christian name — has about all the intelligence and wit of a clogged bidet. Growing up he always had a strong and peculiar adherence to every rule he was told to follow. I recall one practical joke we played on him: convincing him that Mr. President passed a new law requiring all little boys named Mandrew to bark loudly before entering the classroom. He actually allowed — and encouraged — us to call him “Mutt-drew” with no small amount of pride, saying it was a sign of great patriotism to follow whatever orders his country asked of him. I thought it was a sign he was a dunce who had forgotten his cap.
Now, tell me — is that someone you would trust with the level of responsibility befitting a salaried role?
I remember our teacher, Mr. Gluester, demanded we must receive his permission before leaving class for any reason. One day, Mr. Gluester exited the classroom for a brief restroom break. As he closed the door, he failed to notice a bee flying in. This bee stung little Alice Watkins, who was deathly allergic to bees and immediately went into anaphylactic shock. In an instant, our classmates sprung up to carry her out of the classroom and ask for adult help, but Mandy was faster. He blocked the classroom door with all his might and ordered the rest of us to return to our seats, because Mr. Gluester had not given us permission to leave. He said it didn’t matter that a life was at stake: The rules said that our classroom should have a secure border, and crossing it without permission was illegal. When we eventually surged past him, he cried obstruction of justice and threatened to have us all expelled.
At this point you ought to understand why I was mystified that anyone in their right mind would think to hire this person, and why I had thought it was a clear sign of lazy hiring practices. But just yesterday, I heard on Mandy’s first day of work, he was handed a badge and a gun. Now his new position makes perfect sense — in fact, I am rather glad Mandy has finally found a place amongst equals.
