“We should be at brunch right now,” said one median voter.
Photo by Dylan Schmidt
Emerging from the “crowded” race for California governor comes another candidate intending to place top-two in June’s “coldly-contested” primary election. Where the other candidates have, according to disgruntled constituents, “fallen flat” with business-as-usual, uninspiring platforms, this newcomer promises something “far greater.”
“I will change exactly nothing,” declared Davis Modesto, incumbent Democratic mayor of San Diego, CA. “If anything, cutting resources for public services and doubling funding to state and local police will probably be the fix we’re looking for,” he added, in reference to recent claims that California’s fiscal spreadsheets are out of balance by $35 billion. “I know that’s worked out well here — that and charging a humble $32 per day for street parking!”
Modesto reports being eager to calm Californians’ anxieties about mounting gas and housing prices, as well as the unresolved War on the Homeless waged by the current governor, Johnny Sacramento. He is also promoting an agenda of “voting blue no matter who” which he believes will secure him the gubernatorial position.
“There’s a really big difference between the sixth and seventh circles of hell, and the seventh circle is where we’re gonna end up if you choose one of those loosey-goosey conservative lunatics as opposed to myself. I can’t even imagine a hell where there aren’t at least 25 years of regulatory reviews before making a decision. Imagine all the chaos!” ejaculated Modesto.
In spite of supporting extensive reviews in the interest of environmental protection, Modesto expressed support for amending the California Environmental Quality Act (CEQA) due to issues he found “especially” pressing for the average Californian.
When asked about reforms that would expedite the construction of new housing and mass transit, Modesto answered: “It’s ignorant to think that’s what’s on the minds of most Californians. Our top priority with amending CEQA is getting Californians jobs in data centers — which is why it is imperative we fast-track as many as possible. When it comes to securing Californians’ futures, what else is there to do?”
During a town hall open floor, Modesto was asked how he would manage the logistical and environmental concerns arising with the rapid expansion of AI data center infrastructure. Noting their high water usage and lack of uniform environmental standards in comparison with housing and transit, Modesto outlined his intentions: “As governor, I would look to federal support for water. I’m good friends with Smokey Bear, and he’s up there working in the U.S. Forest Services. I’m sure he could look into getting more snow falling in the Sierras and Rockies and get it flowing through the Tuolumne and Colorado, respectively, so we can get that water to the data centers. And what you need to understand is that there’s a tremendous environmental impact in housing that you just don’t get with data centers. Sure, they’ll use every drop of water we could ever need, and sure, they’ll ravage our ecosystems, but houses have people living in them, and if I’ve learned anything from our homelessness crisis, it’s that people are the blight on our environment. As far as I know, no one lives in data centers.”
In response to this, Californians reported concern and began to express doubts about his agenda. Modesto tabled the conversation, “Look, things are going to get better as long as we don’t fundamentally change anything for everyday folks,” he said. “Trust me, it’s in their best interest. The changes we’re looking to make only affect billionaires. Everything’s going to be perfectly fine, so long as it’s a Democrat at the helm.”
