“It’s not the intern’s fault, he doesn’t get a lot of dates,” said a researcher.
Photo by Sharon Roth
Scholars studying and translating the ancient Mayan calendar have made a shocking discovery. Though it has been long-believed that the Mayan calendar ended in 2012, new research suggests that an unpaid intern mistyped the translation and the true end will occur sometime in 2021.
Around 300 BC, Mayan priests established a system called the Long Count in order to keep track of chronologies, measure long time spans, and remind others when their birthdays were. According to previous research, this calendar was set to end on December 21, 2012, which led to a host of apocalyptic conspiracy theories that ultimately proved false. However, businessmen and religious figures are certain that the apocalypse will happen in the upcoming year, stating, “It isn’t the end of the world that we guessed- wait, no, that we predicted wrong before.”
Climate change deniers, flat-earthers, and coronavirus hoaxers alike have reportedly flocked to this prediction, choosing to follow the posts of an anonymous MySpace user going by the moniker “C.” C’s followers, known as CAnon, believe that Japanese camera company Canon Inc. is teaming up with Bill Gates, Jeff Bezos, and “Weird Al” Yankovic to implement a camera surveillance network in order to dismantle the Internet, install 5G towers, and “assist alien assailants as the apocalypse arrives.”
C has made several posts claiming that “the Founding Fathers will gloriously burst out from under Mount Rushmore” in order to “battle against evil aliens” by harnessing “the Planar Power of the Galactic Interplanetary Black Hole Meteor Gyroscope Divine Alignment Convergence Beam!”
Followers plan on hosting a conspiracy convention on December 21 called “Maya-Con” in the hopes of appeasing whatever higher powers are in control. The event planners will celebrate/ mourn Earth’s impending fate by including an “Artist’s Alley of Doom,” an audience-driven human sacrifice, a crafts table, an “Apocalyptic Bingo” game, a celebrity panel including C’s face reveal, and another crafts table. Tickets will be on sale for $2,021.12.
“I totally believe that time-traveling astronauts from the distant future visited the ancient Maya and gave them a Gregorian calendar year for the end of the world!” stated Annamae Bells, a future attendee. “It’s so cool that I’ll be able to meet up with other people that think the same way, unlike my sheeple parents who won’t even listen to my 3 hour explanation. That convergence beam is totally going to either unify all beings into one ethereal harmonic element or begin every destructive apocalypse scenario known to man, but hey, we get two crafts tables!”
Famous failed businessman and Maya-Con organizer Ronald Bump gave his own predictions for the impending apocalypse in an interview. “As soon as it hits 8:40 PM on December 21, 2021 in Australia, the sun’ll go down and the sky’s gonna get dark. Darker than an 8-ball. The mysterious sky-darkness will spread across the world from east to west, consuming all countries until it finally reaches America,” he stated. When asked how his prediction differed from the regular day-night cycle, Bump refused to answer. Instead, he insisted that if people wanted more information, they should “pre-order [his] prophecy book, ‘Armageddon Codes and Signals: the End of Days and Universal Harmony,’ on sale for a limited-time-only on Amazon!”
Nihilist teens across the country have reportedly met this news with considerable apathy and an abundance of memes. Twitter user @ thor_ragnarocks, a verified teenager, tweeted that she welcomed the news, stating “Might as well welcome Earth’s new alien overlords, the end of time itself, or whatever the fuck else will happen in this decade from hell.”