If 2020 Fucked Everyone, Then How Come I’m Still A Virgin?

Written by: Megan Cox

By Trenton Toland
Freshman Incel

When I heard the Fox News Financial Analyst say “2020 fucked everyone,” my initial thought was, “Sweet! Now I don’t have to go to college a virgin!” But the next week, when I told my pediatrician that I was sexually active, he said that doesn’t count. I don’t get it! As I was listening to Radiohead and fighting with this idiot 12 year-old on Reddit, I wondered to myself, “Why am I still a virgin?”

It’s not that I’m unattractive — In fact, my mom tells me I’m the most attractive boy in my grade! I do all the right things! I never shower or use deodorant, so nothing masks my raw, natural pheromones. Girls love a guy with a strong musk. I also don’t even need hair gel because my hair is so greasy and stiff already.

And it’s not that I don’t have game with the ladies — because “Game With The Ladies” is my middle name (Ok, my middle name is actually Thaddeus. I looked into legally changing it to “Game With The Ladies” but the woman at the DMV told me no). But I know all the right things to say to a woman, like “Hey sugar tits! What’s your digits?” and “That ass doesn’t make you look underage.” And I know it makes women uncomfortable when you say those things to them up close, so I make sure to scream it at them from a car window while I drive past slowly. Some call it “catcalling,” but I call it a “meet cute” (I mean, the Judge also called it “catcalling” so I guess that would technically be more correct).

I’ve concluded that the reason I’m still a virgin is because no girl is good enough for me. Like the other day I met this barista who spelled my name correctly on my hot choccy. She was basically begging for it, but she was kinda fat, so I preemptively told her “No” before she could say anything to me. Then there was this girl at the park who said “bless you” when I sneezed, but she was wearing shorts, and you could totally see that she doesn’t shave her legs. I had to let the poor girl down easy! The only girl I was ever serious about dating was the dance team captain from my high school, Mariah Watts. Except I recently saw her and she was wearing a BLM pin, and I decided it wasn’t worth it. It just made her seem kinda high maintenance. It’s not that I’m racist or anything. I believe we should have equality, I just don’t really understand why the protests are necessary. Anyways, the judge from the court case also said I am obligated to stay 100 yards away from Mariah at all times after the noodle incident, but after seeing that pin, I don’t think it’d be a problem.

So basically I’m rolling in pussy. I’m just too much of a gentleman to take advantage of it. And I guess no matter how hard 2020 sucked, I’m still a virgin — Unless any sexy ladies who are reading this want to change that. Screw 2020. But afterwards, screw me too. Please. -Trenton “Game With the Ladies” Toland

Managing Editor

Beans Cox is a crystal carrying, palm/tarot reading, vegan hipster who is obviously from Portland, Oregon. Her favorite type of bean is pinto.

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