Burger King Announces New Snakey Shakey to compete with McDonald’s Shamrock Shake

Written by: Matthew Miltimore

Burger King announced that every Kid’s Shake will come with a free rattle.
Photo by Sharon Roth

In a new step towards commercializing holidays across the calendar, Burger King announced its latest menu item on Tuesday: the Snakey Shakey. Set to hit select restaurants in mid-March, the Snakey Shakey celebrates St. Patrick’s effort to drive the snakes out of Ireland. It also marks the first time a shake has ever been themed around a 5th century campaign to expunge Irish paganism.

Described by Burger King as “the next step in the world of creamy innovation,” the Snakey Shakey contains ingredients never before used in a fast-food menu item. The Snakey Shakey contains “green-dyed vanilla ice cream with a caramel swirl, a hearty dollop of whipped cream, and a quarter-pound of raw snake meat stagnating at the bottom of the green, four-leaf clover covered cup,” according to Burger King PR representative.

“They said I wouldn’t do it, that I couldn’t do it,” remarked Katie O’Knoll, head of Burger King’s new Menu Development Team. “They asked me if I fear what I created. Well, I have a question for them instead. Has a piece of food ever shaken you so violently? Has it ever rocked you to your very core? Ever made you look at yourself in the mirror as you softly weep? Now, what if that piece of food was only $3.49 at participating locations?”

Following the announcement of the Snakey Shakey via the official Burger King Twitter page, McDonald’s, host of the ubiquitous Shamrock Shake, was quick to offer a response. “@BurgerKing Bold choice, but we all know who the real shake king is,” read the tweet, preceding a photo of Ronald McDonald triumphantly drinking a Shamrock Shake while holding the decapitated head of the Burger King up to a crowd of cheering children.

Despite the Snakey Shakey’s limited release, the new item remains a hotly anticipated item for fast-food connoisseurs. “I am overwhelmed with sheer, unbridled excitement,” said Hank Lacantry, an electrician who regularly posts reviews of new fast-food items to his “Hungry Hank” YouTube channel. “I have eaten things that no person should ever put inside their body. Mountain Dew cheesy fries, the Del Taco Throat Punch Burrito, even Carl’s Jr’s Bacon Double Donut Chicken Wrap, but none have ever come close to the untamed chaos exuded by this shake. I am both terrified and thrilled.”

When reached for comment, Burger King’s PR department said “The Snakey Shakey is sure to go fast, so make sure you head down to your local Burger King and get it while it’s lukewarm.”

Staff Writer at The MQ

Flattened in a distro cart accident, the MQ replaced his bones with leftover printer ink. With his increased lank, Matt has become a pivotal writer for the MQ through his fluidity. Whether demonstrated through his mastery of satire or being used as a keycard when we lock ourselves out of the office, Matt is a key asset to the writing team.

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