Articles
Feb. 14 Shows Up On Calendar Despite Numerous Restraining Orders
Despite many singles requesting restraining orders after a tragic Valentine’s Days the preceding year, Feb. 14 has once again shown up with the changing of the …
Hoverboards Are an Atrocity And Must Be Stopped!
Hoverboards. Let me tell you something about these rolling, devil-worshipping machines. You may have seen kids rolling around on these horrible contraptions, wobbling around like they …
Local Journalist Thinks We Just Want Different Things, Joseph
As of press time, it is official that the former “power couple” consisting of Evvan Burke and Joseph Knolls, known by some as Jovvan, have broken …
Swedish Couple on Walking Tour Across Southern Europe Disappointed by Greece’s Hostile Welcome
Swedish couple Alex and Marta Frisk have been traversing Southern Europe by foot for the past couple of months. However, upon reaching Greece, they were shocked …
UC Review Finds Most Male Faculty not Predators, Just Predator Enablers
An internal review of faculty behavior at the University of California, Berkeley, has concluded that the vast majority of male faculty and administrators do not sexually …
Groundhog Sees Blood Red Shadow, Ushers In Six Weeks of the Apocalypse
A large gathering of people witnessed the blood red shadow of a groundhog, on Feb. 2, 2016, which they believe prophesizes “the end of days.” Feb. …
Greece Leaves E.U. to Return to Original Currency: Goats
In order to escape economic hardship, Greece has decided to move away from conventional currencies by implementing a new monetary exchange system last Thursday. Greek officials …
Jeb Bush Mourns Loss of Innocence, Campaign Slogan
Office manager Selena Chavez confirmed just minutes ago that presidential candidate Jeb Bush was once again in the middle of another “mood,” which she described as …
U.N. Institutes Ethics Training, Solves All World Problems
In a sweeping gesture of global leadership, the United Nations General Assembly has unilaterally decreed that every single person in the world must now undergo an …
Actors In 50s “Too Young” to Play Opposite Women in 20s
Multiple actors in Hollywood have recently revealed that they were victims of ageism, being turned down for roles that were intended to be romantic opposites of …
