News
Graduating Biology Student Pursues Ph.D., Excited to Have Stable Career by Late Fourties
UCSD student Sarah Rosenberg accepted her fate as a graduate student last Sunday during a brief moment of introspection that was squeezed in between finishing an …
The United States Imposes Sanctions on the United States
President Trump announced Tuesday that the United States would impose economic sanctions on the United States. These sanctions are the latest in an ongoing trade war …
Local Student Avoids Rent by Barricading Himself in North America Hall
In a last-ditch effort to save money, ERC student Arin Jackson barricaded himself in North America Hall late last night. Though initially dismissed as a practical …
Secretary of the Interior’s Attempts To Shrink Yellowstone Thwarted by Bear Cub
After two weeks of conversing with petroleum companies, conservationists, legal authorities, President Trump, and his own wife, Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke finally got the …
Jacobs School of Engineering to Open New Social Engineering Major
The prestigious Jacobs School of Engineering at the University of California, San Diego announced this week that it will open up a brand new Bachelor of …
Gaping Hole in Area Woman’s Fishnets Threatens to Expand to Her Butt Crack
Last Thursday night, local news vans crowded around the perimeter of Athena Minral’s apartment after a rumor centered on the current structural integrity of her leg-wear. …
High School History Teacher Imprisoned for Violating Second Amendment
A Florida instructor is the first person in the nation to be detained for violating the Second Amendment of the U.S. Constitution. Following a suggestion by …
New Artificially Intelligent Chairs Develop Strong Opinions on Politics
This month, the tech company “Chairish.” has come out with a leap in artificial intelligence technology. Designed for the typical American family, Chairish.’s new dining room …
Social Media Companies Fix Fake News Problem, Nothing Changes
After being alerted to the issue of false stories spread online, companies like Twitter, YouTube, and Facebook systematically purged all publishers of fake news from their …
UCSD Student Literally Couch Surfing To Avoid Rent
Police were confused last Sunday when they investigated what appeared to be a landmass constructed of old couches tied together and tethered to a pier. When …
