News
Price Center to Open Long-Awaited Sperm Bank
“The future is coming,” said lead designer Elliot D’Amore.Photo by Jordan Whitlow Last week, UC San Diego announced the opening of the Triton Seed Vault — …
UCSD Introduces ‘Low-Speed, No-Rail’ System
“I have yet to see a villain tie someone to the road,” one student commented.Photo by Amit Roth Amid a flurry of UC-wide budget cuts, UC …
UCSD Announces Hunger Games for Remaining Parking Spot
“Wait, you guys are in it for the parking spot?”, said one competitor.Photo by Jordan Whitlow Amid Trump’s recent attack on public university budgets, UC San …
Trump Imposes Tariffs on International Students
“This term is going to be tariff-ic!” said Trump.Photo by Jordan Whitlow In the wake of enacting tariffs on goods ranging from aluminum to foreign movies, …
Local Feminist Group Declares Female Form ‘Yucky’
“Let’s show them what we’re made of!” said one counterprotester.Photo by Erica Rosslee On the third day of last month’s California Women’s Convention, self-proclaimed “feminist activist” …
UCSD Replaces Library Walk with Endlessly Shifting Labyrinth
“I actually graduated six years ago,” said one student found in the depths.Photo by Destiney Friday After several complaints about the congestion on Library Walk, the …
Students Protest Overabundance of Midterms
“Maybe you all should just learn faster,” said one professor.Photo by Dylan Schmidt Recently, UC San Diego’s One Midterm Only movement, took to Library Walk to …
Chancellor Pradeep Khosla Reveals Himself as a ‘Regressor’, Vows To Repeat Term Until Every Student Wants Him Back
“Always, somewhere, someone is fighting for you. As long as you remember me, you are not alone.”Photo by Amit Roth In a revelation that has left …
Trump Declares Time Is Relative, No Need for Third Term
“Time, just like the law, is fluid,” said Trump.Photo by Janice Kim In a press conference Thursday night, President Donald Trump announced he was no longer …
Chemistry Department to Implement Official ‘Weeder Course’
“This is not what I thought the class was going to teach,” said one stoner.Photo by Amit Roth In an effort to “weed out the weak,” …
