Victoria Ta

ArticlesCampusNews

Price Center to Open Long-Awaited Sperm Bank

Written by: Victoria Ta

“The future is coming,” said lead designer Elliot D’Amore.Photo by Jordan Whitlow Last week, UC San Diego announced the opening of the Triton Seed Vault — …

Briefs

Target CEO To Come Out As Bisexual Following DEI Rollback

Written by: Victoria Ta

During an emergency press conference outside the Target headquarters, CEO Brian Cornell publicly came out as bisexual, citing “lived experience and a revived pride for financial …

ArticlesCampusNews

Chancellor Pradeep Khosla Reveals Himself as a ‘Regressor’, Vows To Repeat Term Until Every Student Wants Him Back

Written by: Victoria Ta

“Always, somewhere, someone is fighting for you. As long as you remember me, you are not alone.”Photo by Amit Roth In a revelation that has left …

ArticlesNationalNewsPolitics

State to Become Church

Written by: Victoria Ta

“What if thy neighbor is a Democrat?” asked Alito.Photo by Ezra Bihis Following a 233-year-long separation, Church and State reunited in the US Department of Justice …

ArticlesCampusNews

UCSD Acquires Trolley for Student Housing

Written by: Victoria Ta

“Next station: Blue Line Hall,” stated the trolley intercom. “La siguiente estación: Blue Line Hall. Blue Line Hall is next.”Photo by Amit Roth A recently declassified …

ArticlesLocalNews

Local Police to Enact New Recruitment Strategy

Written by: Victoria Ta

“I hear that somewhere during the course, they handcuff you,” said one interested studentwho chose to remain anonymous.Photo by Amit Roth In November 2020, voters unanimously …

ArticlesNationalNewsPolitics

Satan Attracts America With ‘Eternal Suffering Healthcare Plan’

Written by: Victoria Ta

“I’ve always thought that the Hippocratic Oath was really up to interpretation,” said Satan.Photo by Dylan Schmidt W ith the dissolution of the Affordable Care Act, …

ArticlesNationalNewsPolitics

Congress Comes Out with ‘Don’t Say Straight’ Bill

Written by: Victoria Ta

“We just want to set the record str— uh… heterosexual,” said Barack Obama.Photo by Amit Roth Last month, President Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. announced the BiPartisan …

ArticlesNationalNews

Supreme Court Votes to Abolish Retirement

Written by: Victoria Ta

“Too many vacation days? Take a vacation straight to interview hell,” said a representative of the US Department of More Labor.Photo by Julia Wong Last week, …