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Price Center to Open Long-Awaited Sperm Bank
“The future is coming,” said lead designer Elliot D’Amore.Photo by Jordan Whitlow Last week, UC San Diego announced the opening of the Triton Seed Vault — …
Target CEO To Come Out As Bisexual Following DEI Rollback
During an emergency press conference outside the Target headquarters, CEO Brian Cornell publicly came out as bisexual, citing “lived experience and a revived pride for financial …
Chancellor Pradeep Khosla Reveals Himself as a ‘Regressor’, Vows To Repeat Term Until Every Student Wants Him Back
“Always, somewhere, someone is fighting for you. As long as you remember me, you are not alone.”Photo by Amit Roth In a revelation that has left …
State to Become Church
“What if thy neighbor is a Democrat?” asked Alito.Photo by Ezra Bihis Following a 233-year-long separation, Church and State reunited in the US Department of Justice …
UCSD Acquires Trolley for Student Housing
“Next station: Blue Line Hall,” stated the trolley intercom. “La siguiente estación: Blue Line Hall. Blue Line Hall is next.”Photo by Amit Roth A recently declassified …
Local Police to Enact New Recruitment Strategy
“I hear that somewhere during the course, they handcuff you,” said one interested studentwho chose to remain anonymous.Photo by Amit Roth In November 2020, voters unanimously …
Satan Attracts America With ‘Eternal Suffering Healthcare Plan’
“I’ve always thought that the Hippocratic Oath was really up to interpretation,” said Satan.Photo by Dylan Schmidt W ith the dissolution of the Affordable Care Act, …
Congress Comes Out with ‘Don’t Say Straight’ Bill
“We just want to set the record str— uh… heterosexual,” said Barack Obama.Photo by Amit Roth Last month, President Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. announced the BiPartisan …
Supreme Court Votes to Abolish Retirement
“Too many vacation days? Take a vacation straight to interview hell,” said a representative of the US Department of More Labor.Photo by Julia Wong Last week, …
