“Uhhh the rioters keep chanting Khosla and the word hung, we don’t know what that means,”said one admin member.
Photo by Adrien Agreste
Last week, People Magazine named UC San Diego Chancellor Pradeep Khosla 2026’s Sexiest Man Alive, which left UCSD’s campus in a “state of confusion and disarray,” according to student Al Heimer. This award, traditionally bestowed upon celebrities in the performing arts such as George Clooney and Jonathan Bailey, was awarded to the 69-year-old former engineering professor last Monday.
“We were looking for candidates who have that silver fox, angsty dad quality,” said the editor-in-chief for People Magazine, Jonathan Hedshot. “Someone who could look 50,000 students in the eyes and have such a striking effect that it would lead them to burn their life savings on tuition for the school. Someone so sexy that they had the power to shut down Sun God Festival back in 2024 over peaceful encampments, and pepper spray and arrest their own students! Someone who could con you out of research fundings to upgrade his own multimillion dollar mansion. Pradeep checked off all the above!”
Reactions to this news on UCSD’s campus were immediate. Following the announcement, Price Center erupted into what witnesses described as “either a celebration or a mass protest, it was hard to see in the revelry.” Several undergraduates were spotted mass flyering the People Magazine edition on their rival’s campus, San Diego State University, intended as a “My chancellor is hotter than yours”, statement. Overnight, the head of the King Triton statue had been replaced with a marble-carved replica of Khosla’s face.
Protests were also conducted by various professors and graduate students who were reportedly angry that the same person who did not give them livable wages won this prestigious award. All of the dissenters were “mysteriously disappeared” from campus as an “honorable discharge stemming from disagreement.”“I am deeply grateful,” Khosla said at a press conference held in front of the newly built Student Center, which has since been renamed after him. “But I just want to make one thing clear. As flattering as it is, this honor isn’t about me. This is about UCSD’s commitment to excellence, innovation, and being the sexiest research institution in all of California.
When asked about the secret to his sexiness, Khosla said, “Discipline, humility, and the generous tuition dollars of the wonderful students here.”
This announcement, did not come without controversy and opposition. SDSU’s chancellor called this decision “an outrage”, before being heckled by an audience of UCSD students yelling that “just because their school is known for being attractive, doesn’t mean they actually are”.
Several sea lions at La Jolla Cove, previously the most photographed and photogenic figures in the area, later released a statement expressing disappointment over losing their title.
People Magazine staunchly denied accusation of a quid pro quo after an announcement of a new building named after it. Rival institutions, including UC Berkeley and UCLA, have also begun auditing their own chancellors for long-overlooked sex appeal.
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