New Skin Cream Reveals Secret: Free-Range, Organically Produced Horse Semen


Written by: Lily Everheart

Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s Neighbelline.
Photo by Maria Dhilla

Coming to pharmacies near you is an anti-acne cream that claims to have an unprecedented efficacy of “99.99% in the removal and treatment of acne.” Horsemen, the company behind this so-called “wonder cream,” revealed its key, active ingredient is “free-range, orange-zested, organically produced horse semen.”

“If anything, we offer way more transparency than our competitors,” commented CEO of the company Holatta Cummings. “They require you to have a degree in chemistry to understand what’s in their synthesized chemical products. Now us, well, we give you the source of life itself as the key ingredient: horse life.”

“Wait. What does that even mean?” commented one reportedly bewildered customer on the Horsemen website. “Is it the horse or the semen that’s free-range? What’s getting orange-zested? And is it onto the horse or that thing’s thingy? I can’t begin to fathom what kind of horse and/or semen is inorganically produced. Yuck! Oh, God, I want to stop thinking.”

Cummings reportedly clarified: “The sperm is actually free-range. After collection, we let them swim around in the jar for 15 minutes before being whipped up into cream. On the other hand, we keep the horses contained in our collection facility in two by- two-meter pens. Due to some overzealous members of PETA complaining, we have definitely installed windows to remind the horses of what it’s like outside.” Upon inspection of Horsemen’s factory, reporters found that the only windows in the entire facility belong to Mr. Cumming’s personal office. Caught collecting his own “organic product,” Cummings hastily closed the blinds of the windows in question.

“The orange zest actually goes on top of the horse,” reported Cummings. Our analysis shows that the light zesting infuses the semen with the citrus aroma and flavor while maintaining a silky smooth texture.”

One ecstatic customer reportedly confirmed, “The orange zest added atop the horse really makes all the difference. I could really feel the extra citrus-infused cummies excavating my pores and shoveling out all that guck! When you put that horse semen on your face, you always know that it’s going to be all-natural.”

“As for the organically produced bit, well I’ll have you know that we have hundreds of highly trained professional wankers getting the job done every day,” reported Cummings. A leading specialist, Mazda Bates, commented, “When COVID happened, I got laid off and found myself jacking off more and more with all this free time. When I came across this job on, I thought I found my true calling. I’m putting all my years of experience with this bad boy right here to good use,” he said, gesturing to his right arm.

When inquired about whether workers asked the consent of the horses for these unsolicited feeding sessions with “happy endings,” CEO Cummings responded, “Consent? That’s a load of horse shit! All we care about is horse semen! Who cares about consent when there’s surprisingly warm, liquid profit to be milked? Let’s stop beating this dead horse of a topic and start beating the live horses we have.”

Product analytics report that with each new ambiguous adjective or active ingredient the company adds to the name of the product, it is able to raise the price by 25%. In a recent press release, Cummings was reportedly eager to announce the newest addition to the skincare product: “dragon fruit sautéed, apricot doused, extra virgin olive oil lubed, Himalayan salt crystal dusted, green tea infused, free-range, orange zested, organically produced horse semen.”

Following Horsemen’s lead, several other leading beauty companies have hastily rebranded their own product lines including Lancûm, La Roche-Pussay, and Neutrogenitalia.

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