Bees Under Investigation for Illegal Activity

Written by: Maria Dhilla

The Hive Guys burger chain was discovered to be a front for honey laundering.
Photo by Jack Yang

A recent FBI leak created quite a buzz when it was revealed that several bee species have been performing covert operations across the globe for an unknown entity. The leaked reports, called the Pollinator Papers, disclosed classified information from the past 30 years about various bee organizations and classified sting operations.

Beatrice Melissa Balci, a longtime DOJ watchdog, agreed to discuss her thoughts on the matter: “These papers center around a mysterious, shadowy figure known only as the Queen Bee. It’s troubling that we don’t know much about her, but the reports indicate that the FBI has been as busy as a bee.” This unknown operative evidently “births and trains bee agents in pheromonal activities.” Her coordinates are only kept on a “hidden USBee drive,” which also contains every single other piece of vital information about this illicit group.

The name of the Queen Bee’s secret base, the Hexagon, was formally discovered due to a honeypot trap, wherein an anonymous female agent went undercover as a flower shop owner in order to gain the trust of a New York City beehive. The operation was deemed successful, as one bee had reportedly “pollen in love” with the agent and disclosed vital information to her. This report, describing Operation: Cheerio, is one of many Pollinator Papers leaked online.

Little is known about the goal of these bees, but some information was extracted from the multiple interrogation reports. Police and CIA agents interrogated an operative by the name of Benedict “Beelzebub” Bonnet. He was said to be “gettin’ the job done like a good worker bee” in a bugged phone call between two other agents, Royal “Jelly” McQueen and Nestor “Nectar” Goldenrod.

Thanks to these interrogations, the US government currently suspects that the Hexagon is part of a large scale “illegal drone production scheme.” However, Bonnet has since escaped the containment apiary facility. He is described as “short, round, and waspish” and “a real beeotch” by law enforcement officers. He is also violently allergic to cucumbers, and reportedly “burst into hives” when he came in contact with one.

Another report details a classified infiltration mission that occurred merely six months ago. Highly trained FBI agents attended a black and yellow tie charity event held by the Beowulf Society, suspected to be a front for the Hexagon. They retrieved information regarding future colony sites, as well as a historic artifact called the Honeycomb valued at “1 bee-llion dollars” by appraisers. Unfortunately, all information gained during this mission is now irrelevant, as a bee’s natural lifetime is six months.

Reporters interviewed a carpenter bee, Aster Apocolyx, who was named in the reports as a possible witness to illicit “murder hornet” activity. “Mind your own beeswax,” Apocolyx stated as he dismissively loaded wood onto his Vespa scooter, “I’ve been swarmed by you reporters for weeks! The only thing I’ve done recently is compete in the local spelling bee.” When asked if he had connections to these hornets, he refused to respond and only said, “I ain’t never seen a murder hornet in my life. Now buzz off!”

Graphics Editor at The MQ

M. Q. Dhilla is the embodiment of the newspaper come to life, but that's a secret, so don’t effin’ snitch.

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