If the Ice Caps are Melting, Can’t We Just Make More?


Written by: Jay Noonan

By Janet Holmes
Business major and
amateur Climatologist

Everyone nowadays is complaining about the ice caps melting without doing anything about it, but the solution is actually so simple that I can’t believe no one’s thought of it before! Everyone’s got a freezer in their house, right? What if we all just take our ice and dump it into the ocean? I played a prank on our cleaning staff once by dumping all of the ice in my mansion’s numerous freezers into the family spa. The pool boy said it took three days for the water to warm up again! If everyone worked together and dumped their ice, I bet the ocean would stay cold for even longer. There’s what, like, 12 billion people at this point or something? And who doesn’t have a freezer or 10 in their house? It’s cheap and easy — plus, the ocean is everywhere!

Sure, not everyone is lucky enough to live on the beach like me, but who can’t afford to just drive a couple hundred miles to get to the closest ocean? What could possibly be more important than saving the ocean? So what if they’re burning gas to do it? I think it’s not actually that bad; we’ve been doing it for decades and according to reputable news sources like Fox Business, nothing bad has happened yet.

Here’s the plan: the ice will fill up the ocean and get pushed north by the current. Then it’ll attach itself to the big chunk of ice up in the North Pole, saving Miami Beach, my hometown, while also keeping the penguins and polar bears happy. Sometimes I wonder why people even bother majoring in this stuff if it’s so easy to fix the problem. It’s a good thing there’s people like me around who can fix even nuanced, complex problems in a cheap, time-efficient way.

When I posted my idea online, people laughed and said that isn’t how currents work and that the ice wouldn’t stay frozen. I don’t know what they’re talking about! I’m in New England visiting my winter estate in New Hampshire, and the current always moves north. Plus it’s already super cold! I think they’re just jealous they didn’t think of it first. Someone said it was even dangerous to animals that are already in the warm water, which doesn’t make sense at all. Aren’t those animals basically slowly boiling to death? This will be a good break! And isn’t cold water supposed to have more nutrients and be more productive? That sounds like a good thing to me. All the haters probably just want my fame without putting in their own common sense to come up with their own solution.

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