New Study Finds Lost Keys, Scientist Appalled at His Own Creation


Written by: Aniela Drumonde

West says the next big step is finding where he last parked his car.
Photo by Jack Yang

R ecently it was announced UCSD can now boast about a new piece of technology other than GoPros or nicotine patches. Quincy West, self-proclaimed “future PhD.,” has just revolutionized the field of what he titles “quantum spatiality or something. It doesn’t matter what it’s called, not anymore.”

A second-year Warren student, West came to the interview wearing a tattered lab coat, a haunted expression, and an arc of blood splashed exactly where the line of his left cheekbone was. While adjusting slightly crooked glasses with a spider-web of cracks, West looked off vaguely into the distance, saying, “What have I done? If I could go back in time and stop myself, I would. I never believed them. I was too young, too foolish. If I had been more thoughtful, I would’ve realized the true extent of what I’d be releasing into this innocent world with my hubris. I could have stopped myself before more lives could be lost.”

In what he calls “God’s mistake,” West has created a scientific marvel that finds lost keys, but, as West claims, the technology “is capable of so much more.” West gestured to a lead box lined with velvet-colored symbols, which turned out to be absent-minded doodles of Sun God. West opened the box to reveal a chrome contraption with blinking lights and a perpetual humming high C note. “This helps you find your keys, but at what cost? What is the price of human life? What is the price of our innocence?”

Having started off as an English Major, West soon changed course after realizing he would have more success as a quantum physicist. “UC Berkeley didn’t accept me, and neither did UCLA, Harvard, Stanford, NYU, or UC Santa Barbara. But seventh choice isn’t so bad, I guess. After coming here, I realized being in STEM is the only thing that matters if I want a job.” West continued, sweat beading at his temples. “But nothing matters. Not after what I’ve done. I’ll never be able to feel the same joy I once did when I was young and naive. How I wish I could go back to those days during Fall quarter, where I never had to wonder at the blood these hands have spilled. Dear God in heaven, I could drown in the blood I have spilled.” He stopped to check the readings of his mechanical contraptions and stir bright green liquid bubbling in Erlenmeyer flasks of different shapes and sizes.

West goes on to question, “Did my fate lead up to this very moment? Did the trials and tribulations of life mold me into the very thing I’ve come to despise? When I look in the mirror, all I see is echoes of what I could have been, if not for this. Oh, if there’s any higher power out there in the universe, please forgive me. I know I can never forgive myself.”

It is unknown to all but West how the technology of his device works, including how a chemistry set would assist in “triangulating the metabolic relays of keys” as West puts it. When pressed for detail, West quoted a line from “Spy Kids 2: Island of Lost Dreams,” adjusting his torn lab coat and running off: “I’ve discovered the secret! I know now what you wanted from me, brother, and I intend to see it through! I swear on our dead mother’s grave!”

EIC Elect at The MQ

Former Editor-in-Chief. Like an ouroboros, her jokes consume themselves until no one knows whether they were ever funny. But they are.

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