I’m Ditching Coal This Year for a Cleaner Alternative

Written by: The MQ

By Santa Claus
Bearer of Gifts

Merry Christmas everyone! Old Saint Nick’s here to dispel some not-so-jolly rumors about my business practices. Some grumpy old elves have been complaining about my use of coal and other unsustainable behavior, so instead I’m turning over a new mistletoe leaf! This year I’m leaving my naughty list with a much more practical gift: nuclear waste!

Now ho-ho-hold up, before anyone starts to panic, I promise this is a cleaner option. For example, most nuclear waste can last for decades! That’s years of fun rather than just a few hours, so really, isn’t that a better gift right off the bat? And those noxious fumes are nothing compared to the coal dust that used to clog up people’s lungs. You won’t have to worry about getting the coal dust everywhere, this truly is the cleaner option. So really, which would you rather pick?

I didn’t need a red nose to guide myself to this decision. A simple Google search will show that this cleaner alternative is recyclable too. When people talk about going green, maybe they should start talking about the lime green glow of radium. In fact, I’ve been telling the elves to start converting the workshop into a nuclear power plant. We’ll be able to power our toy machines in no time, isn’t that great?

Of course, eventually we’ll need to find a use for the rest of the waste. I’m sure I can find a good place to dump it, maybe Florida. They’ve got the highest percentage of kids on the naughty list anyway, followed closely by Alabama. Or maybe I could start bringing it around more than just Christmas. Maybe if a kid swears or disobeys their parents, they’ll wake up with some radium under their pillow. I’m sure the Tooth Fairy won’t mind me stealing her spotlight a bit.

That’s all for now, I’ve got to go check on the progress. Some of the elves have been complaining about some problems with this new system. Something along the lines of “I’m tired,” or “I’m feeling dizzy,” or “I think my skin is starting to fall off.” I’m sure it’s just a little side effect of progress. They complained too when we starting coal mining back during the 19th century to keep up with the industrial revolution. Anyway, remember to be good this year and stay on the nice list. But for those on the naughty list, put on your hazmat suits and make space for cleaner waste!

The MQ is the premier satire magazine at UC San Diego

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