POINT: Parents, Watch Out for Drugs in Your Children’s Halloween Candy!
Attention, fellow parents! It has recently come to my attention that marijuana products have a striking resemblance to things our children could accept as candy. As a mother and Coronado Unified School District Parent Teacher Association president, this issue is my first priority, and it is my intention to do whatever I can to get harmful drugs out of our neighborhoods.
Since the legalization of marijuana in the state of California, I have been on watch to keep it from becoming a threat to the livelihood of our children. Now, I feel that the threat of terrible, childless outcasts bringing marijuana into the arms of clueless children is greater than ever. Marijuana products can be bought legally, and they go straight from the hands of ex-criminals to the trick-or-treat bags of our ignorant children.
Yesterday, I saw a video on the internet platform Facebook showing a popular gummy bear brand and a visually similar edible marijuana. An example of these drug-addled hooligans’ plot to ruin our children’s health was a gummy bear sugar snack into which neighborhood-ruiners have injected the dangerous cannabinoid THC. This oral marijuana would be indistinguishable if it was sealed in a bag of this popular candy brand, and I have absolute faith that malicious adults would do so to trick our children into straying from a clean life with these mind-altering traps.
It saddens me to think that my child may be exposed to a life of crime because of some hippies who want to destroy their brain with THC. You can be sure that my son, Coronado Middle School Honor student Adrian Patrick Johnson, will not be caught with this psychedelic drug at any point in his life (but I can’t say the same about Rachel Peterson’s children)!
COUNTERPOINT: Wait, People Are Just Giving Away Free Edibles on Halloween?
So I hear some other parents are concerned about weed in their kids’ trick-or-treat candy. Why did nobody tell me about this? You’re telling me I could have some THC Musketeers for free? You’re going to make The Big Bong Theory go out of business with so much free shit going around. To any rich-ass stoner who is giving away some extra green Jolly Ranchers for some reason, please let me know and you will find my lovely children — Peace, Strawberry, and John Peterson — in costume, wandering through your neighborhood this October 31. They will come to a good home and have a lot of Planet Earth-watching to induce.
But really, if there were any other stoner parents in this neighborhood, I think I would know. Don’t think I don’t know what the PTA moms say about me. It’s not like I’m trying to hide what I bring to meetings in my “It’s 420 somewhere” thermos. If anyone was public enough about their love of the ganja to replace Butterfingers with Bud-terfingers, there’s no way they spliffed through my fingers.
And don’t even worry about your kids coming home from my house with more than just a sugar high this Halloween — let alone, if I’m awake to open the door for them. There’s no way I’m wasting that much money on candy I’m just going to give away. The spooky stash of sativa I’ve got ready for Halloween is for me and me alone. There’s going to be some festive fog around my place this Halloween, but let’s just say I’m not planning on buying a fog machine.