POINT: Along With Other Politicians, I Will Be Suing a Comedian for Making Jokes at My Expense

Never in my entire political career have I ever been so hurt and offended. When I accepted an all-expenses-paid trip to Washington, I believed that I was to receive an award for supporting Israel. Instead, washed-up “comedian” Sacha Baron Cohen greeted me with allegations of sexual misconduct.

Not only was Mr. Cohen way out of line with these allegations, but he made a huge mistake by messing with me, Roy “Hound Dog” Moore. Sure, I may have dated some teenagers when I was a wild and naive 30-year-old, but I never went past second base with anyone under the age of 16. And just so you liberals know, the age of consent in Alabama is 16.

Anyways, on his TV show, Mr. Cohen — disguised as ex-Israeli Intelligence Officer — told me he had a piece of technology that he used to recognize pedophiles by detecting an enzyme they secrete. I was excited to see the technology in action, but once Mr. Cohen turned it on, it kept sounding the alarm signaling that I was a pedophile. I believe he made the whole thing up and that his technology was actually used to detect men who secrete more testosterone than the average man.

I am suing Mr. Cohen for defamation of character, since he aimed to depict me as a pedophile, rather than for what I am: an overtly masculine individual who doesn’t apologize for his manliness. Ask any girl over 16 in Alabama and I’m sure they will say the same thing.

COUNTERPOINT: Along With Other Constituents, I Will Be Suing a Politician for Making Judgements at My Expense

Never in my life have I been so upset at a person who appeared on a television show on Showtime since Julia Stiles in Dexter. I’m talking about “horn dog” Roy Moore. Moore has has been public enemy number one to non-radical conservatives who believe women should have control over their own bodies, especially those who believe in sex among consenting ADULTS. I could go on and on listing the various crimes that Moore has committed against society but — oh, why not?

For starters, in 2001 Moore helped create and install a monument to the Ten Commandments outside the Alabama Judicial Building. If that isn’t the definition of combining church and state, I don’t want to know what is.

Speaking of God, in 2015 Roy Moore tried to play God by issuing an order to probate judges and their employees on February 8, the day before a federal court ruling legalizing same-sex marriage in Alabama was set to take effect. With this ruling, my partner and I had our rights to marriage threatened by Roy Moore.

The only time true justice prevailed was in 2016, when Moore resigned from the Alabama Supreme Court in the midst of his suspension for prohibiting same-sex marriage at a time when the law decreed that same-sex marriage was legal in Alabama.

Speaking of relationships, we all know Moore had sex with 16-year-old girls while he was an adult, right? I’m just making sure we all know this. Good.

Anyways, I am suing Roy Moore for threatening the basic rights of myself, and many other marginalized citizens of Alabama. People of Color, women, and members of the Queer community (not to mention those alleging sexual abuse against Moore) deserve better justices and community leaders than Roy Moore.