Volume 22
Groundhog Sees Blood Red Shadow, Ushers In Six Weeks of the Apocalypse
A large gathering of people witnessed the blood red shadow of a groundhog, on Feb. 2, 2016, which they believe prophesizes “the end of days.” Feb. …
Top Ten Ways Your Last DIY Project Is Like Your Last DUI
“Honey, it’s fine. I can do this” You’re now banned from Michaels It now takes additional steps to start up your car You did it by …
Top Ten Little Known Environmental Problems
The oil spill on Mars that NASA doesn’t want you to know about Global warming is actually caused by people measuring CO2 levels There are too …
Top Ten Things Only the Next Generation of Kids Will Understand
President Gorkshmeed is a proud Reptilian-American, and he’s just like the rest of us The long-term effects of keeping a cellphone in your pocket The entirety …
Top Ten Differences Between Your Crush And a Bucket Full Of Teeth
Top Ten Differences Between Your Crush And a Bucket Full Of Teeth You only have one crush It’s okay if the feds know about your crush …
Little Known Conversation Heart Quotes
“It’s benign” “You’ve been served. This is legally binding” “Work will set you free” “In reality, it’s more like two candy fists” “Ask again later” “Please …
Long Waitlists Cause Spike in Assassinations
A report released by the UCSD Police Department linked a “dramatic rise” in student assassinations to long class waitlists. The report was released three weeks after …
Archaeologists Discover Mysterious “Literature” Building Near Warren Lecture Hall
Archeologists reported that they have made an important discovery in UCSD’s Warren College: an ancient building they claim was used to study “Literature.” The term refers …
Ted Cruz Rebrands as TritonEd Cruz
Citing a need to “appear more friendly” and avoid “legacy issues,” Ted Cruz announced his legal name change to TritonEd Cruz days before the Iowa Caucus. …
UCSD Renames Website, Fixes Problem Apparently
UCSD continued its transition from using popular Blackboard clone TED to TritonEd, solving a problem which officials insist “once existed and now does not.” The transition, …
