Volume 22
New Hazard Labels Required for Women in STEM to Ensure Proper Handling
A new line of women’s lab coats equipped with mandatory hazard labels has been issued, free of charge, to all scientific research institutions across the nation …
Student Forgets to Set Alarm Before 15-Minute Power Nap, Sleeps for a Week
In an unfortunate but unsurprising turn of events earlier this Winter Quarter, a UCSD undergraduate found himself living many college students’ worst nightmare: accidentally sleeping through …
Local Insult Comic Paralyzed by Perception of Self
A long string of past experiences and subjectively-derived truths had already determined the outcomes of the most recent performance of the Silicon Valley based insult comic …
Students Celebrate Rich History of St. Patrick’s Day by Wearing Green, Drinking to Excess
This March, UCSD students will commemorate St. Patrick, the man recognized by the Catholic Church as being on par with the original twelve apostles, by getting …
Standing in Line Point/Counter Point
Point: I Just Need a Second to Decide Between the BLT Sandwich and the Caesar Salad Oh, just give me one more minute, I can’t decide …
UCs Banned from Asking About Race, Find New Measures of Student Affluence
As per California Proposition 209, the 2016-2017 incoming freshman class will be the 20th UC class to have been accepted independent of their race, sex, or …
Local Toddler Discovers Santa Claus Not Real, Life Now Meaningless
Local toddler Albert Cameron, age five, was shocked this past week to learn that Santa Claus is not a real person. After overhearing his mother discussing …
New Study Finds People Have 14 Unspeakable Thoughts Per Day
A study released by the Bureau of Psychology revealed that, on average, people have 14 “depraved, unspeakable” thoughts per day. The study defined an “unspeakable” thought …
Political Conversations Revealed as Finite Resource, to Be Depleted by Mid-2017
A recent study concluded that discussion topics and information about the 2016 election available to the general public are decreasing at an alarming rate, and if …
Top Ten Things Lassie Was Actually Trying to Tell You
I pushed Timmy down a well You really need to do a better job fake-crying if you really want that Emmy Be sure to drink your …
