Citing a need to “drum up school spirit,” UC San Diego’s Chancellor Khosla has officially declared war against San Diego State University, with his official casus belli being “they’re stupid and dumb.” The self-proclaimed “Chancellor of War” has set the “invasion date” for January 1st and instructed the colleges to begin recruitment, with mixed reactions from students.
“A Muir recruiter came to my dorm asking me to join. I told him I’m a lesbian, so he couldn’t draft me,” said first-year student Kokoa Shinomiya. “But he looked me up and down, muttered, ‘I can tell,’ under his breath, then said I could join the LGBT division? What happened to ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell?’”
“I, for one, am excited to fight for my school,” mechanical engineering major Troy Gunnar smiled, as he polished his Warren-issued boots. “I get to wake up at 0500 — that’s 5 a.m. for you normies — and drill with my buddies until 2200. Those SDSU-ers won’t know what hit ’em!”
Reportedly, SDSU’s President, Adela de la Torre, found “UCSD’s attempts at relevancy laughable.”
World-renowned rapper, set ordinance, and map direction, Patriarch Cardi(nal) previously ventured on a quest by the Basileus ton Rhomaion to find the elixir of life. Failing in this, he was then banished to live in the oubliette of the Méga Palátion in Constantinople — and now begs for those above the grate to "let him out of the pit."
