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Human Interference in the Animal Kingdom

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Since the dawn of time, humans have taken advantage of other animals. Today, we continue to discover new ways to profit off of suffering ecosystems.

this ecosystem has begun to adapt to oil spills

Adaptations:

  1. Sea otters now have a lot of fun playing “slip n’ slide”
  2. Fish now give great massages
  3. Dolphins have a ton of acne now

Human Reactions

4. Fish are now $10,000 a barrel
5. Oil wrestling has been replaced with oil water polo
6. There’s now an emerging market for fish oil masks

five ways the nuclear apocalypse will change puffin life forever

We all know that if the world falls into another world war, nuclear weapons will be used and the end of the world will ensue. From contaminated oceans to nuclear winter, life will be very hard on humanity, leaving survivors only two possible paths: extinction or adaptation. However, this is overplayed and really bores the shit out of us, so here are five things that will change for puffins after the nuclear apocalypse.

  1. Puffins will grow nine feet taller and will have the ability to hunt humans.
  2. Four special puffins will be given musical talent and start a band called “The Fishycubes,” and the lead singer, Pjörk, will have a beautiful screaming-voice.
  3. The puffin’s habitat will artificially grow as the new mega-puffins carry the dead Icelanders and tether them together to build a large raft to traverse the irradiated ocean.
  4. Puffins will develop a common language, establish trade, and then create a database of all puffin relatives in order to stop the Icelandic Puffin Incest Crisis.
  5. Puffins Cereal will still be made, but it will no longer use puffin beaks and flippers to create its squares. They will be replaced by the new radiated pigeon talons or Bird People themselves.

a history of humans screwing over the animal kingdom

giraffes: a government conspiracy

Few people know that giraffes were created as a “better horse” by the government to justify enslaving actual horses. Most people think they’re real animals, but here’s what they’re actually made of.

  1. Satellite dishes for detecting drugs and monitoring foreign airspace
  2. Tongue is blue because the artist didn’t have time to render it pink
  3. Horns for controlling movement
  4. Small magnets are connected to each other to bend the neck in any direction
  5. Crank to adjust the neck length for your government espionage needs

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