“I just need to wait a little longer, and then I can come visit!” said one mermaid.”
Photo by Destiney Friday and Amit Roth
In response to rising temperatures in the Pacific Ocean, UC San Diego din- ing hall 64 Degrees, has made the “bold” move of rebranding its name to the more “environmentally appropriate” 65 Degrees. Owner Colin Arie explained that the change was “only intended to acknowledge the issue for the sake of keeping up with trends.” The name change has reportedly cost UCSD $250 million and an additional $20 million to replace the “4” on the building with a “5”.
While many praise 65 Degrees for its “bravery” in recognizing global warming, others have criticized it for its failure to include global warming–themed decor. In response, Arie said they will now commence a “going green” approach. Renovations that will include “painting the chairs, tables, plates, and utensils green — greener than an evergreen forest” are currently underway. Following this change, wildlife, in- cluding species thought to be extinct, now inhabit the booths of the dining hall.
“I saw a golden toad hop across the Al Dente counter the other day,” marveled said second-year student Walter Frugal. “This is wild — no pun intended. Next you’re gonna tell me that a dodo bird is gonna— holy shit!” They were then interrupted by a dodo bird walking into the dining hall. 65 Degrees has largely accepted the presence of these animals and will be “making some changes to [their] menu ingredients” in order to “respect [their] newest visitors.” Kate Chin, a Taqueria lead cook, shared it would replace menu items containing fish projects with “better ingredients that do not harm sealife.” These changes include using Chicken of the Sea as a substitute to harming tuna. “Frankly, I didn’t even know chickens lived in the ocean,” Arie said. “We’ve been missing out on a poultry goldmine.”
Since 65 Degrees has “no reason to use fish anymore,” Arie announced that they will be installing a fish tank in the heart of the dining hall to “give sanctuary to all the fish we saved.” The fish tank, which will house pupfish, lionfish, and a whale shark to “spice things up a bit,” is projected to contribute an additional $60 million to renovation costs. “This will allow students to view and interact with the fishes while they eat, plus providing a protected home for these magnificent creatures,” explained Arie. “It’s a win-win for everyone — people and fish-kind!”
Other campus dining halls have criticized the rebrand. Yu Tencil, owner of the Canyon Vista dining hall, claimed “the change is bogus” and added that “they’re always talking about how the ocean levels are rising and are getting hotter and this and that. But when I went down to the beach last week, it was colder than the Antarctic, and the water didn’t look any higher. Explain that one to me, you fish-kissers.” Canyon Vista and other dining halls have pledged to protest this “stupid change” by incorporating flare stacks into their architecture to “prove it’s all a damn hoax.”
Climate Action Network activists identified that 65 Degrees is “doing nothing to aid the awareness of global warming,” to which Arie challenged, “We changed the four to a five; that’s all the proof you need to show that we truly, really do care about the fish…or something. When the temperatures continue to rise, we’ll change that five to a six, and that six to a seven, and so on.”
Jack? I know a Jack! He's one of the MQ's trustworthy copyeditors. If you want him to refrain from yapping in your ear, do your best to not mention anything regarding the Watchmen comics, modern/postmodern literature, vinyl records or fish.
