As finals season approaches, a new trend has taken the campus by storm. “There’s just one question on everyone’s mind: to BORG, or not to BORG?” commented Marshall student and “grind-fluencer” Boris Lou Vern.
A growing number of “caffeine- crazed” students are carrying milk gallons full of “piss-like fluid”, nicknamed BORGs — Buckets Of Red Bull and Gatorade (not to be confused with the more popular alcoholic Blackout Rage Gallon, traditionally comprised of vodka and Liquid IV). Students are reportedly stripping market shelves bare, with some “grind-ovators” going beyond Red Bull and incorporating new ingredients like Monster Energy, Celsius, and experimental amphetamines. BORGs have been making frequent appearances in lecture halls and final exams, much to the dismay of lecturers.
According to those familiar with the matter, UC SHIP representative Cardi Akarest recently released an internal memorandum stating that any student caught with a BORG will have their coverage immediately revoked, as “BORGs … represent an existential threat to the our program’s profitability.” Akarest declined to comment on salient health effects.
Despite administrator disapproval, “BORGmania” does not seem likely to decline. “My BORG motivates me to study hard,” said an anonymous pre-med student. “If I keep at it, someday in the near future I may be drinking BORGs out of choice rather than necessity”
