Written by: The MQ

Top Ten Ways to Avoid Zoom Calls

  1. Become a vampire and claim the host never invited you
  2. Cultivate an image of yourself as a person who doesn’t know how to press buttons
  3. Legally change your name to “Bad Internet Connection”
  4. Get married the same day as the call
  5. Don’t pay your internet bill
  6. Go on 123Movies.com and invite all of the hot milfs in your area to the Zoom call
  7. Go back in time, meet the love of your life, get married, buy a house together, get pregnant, and have the baby on the date of the Zoom call
  8. Change your name to Matthew and no one will want you there anyway
  9. Single-handedly end the pandemic yourself
  10. Just don’t go

The MQ is the premier satire magazine at UC San Diego

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