Politics Aren’t That Important vs. Yes, So You Shouldn’t Vote

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Written by: Kaz Nuckowski and Megan Cox


Politics Aren’t That Important

By Benny Rourke
Ambivalent Democrat/Moderate

If you don’t want to vote, honestly it won’t bug me that much. I, for one, consider myself very politically active. I go to every school board and city council meeting and loudly speak over women and minorities. While you do not need to have the same level of civic engagement as me, you can still vote if you want to. However, it’s not really important if you don’t. The only reason I vote is so I can complain as much as I goddamn want (and I do!).

Even if you vote for the candidate I don’t like, or don’t vote at all, we can disagree and still be friends. Politics is just politics. We can always put it aside and have a beer. Or several beers! Come on over and tell me how the kids are doing in school. I know human rights are important and all, but if you don’t respect civil rights, it’s not particularly important to me, a straight cis white man. This is America, the land of the free. From my experience of privilege, I can say with certainty that no one’s rights are at stake this election cycle. The trend these last four years is just a fluke.


Yes, So You Shouldn’t Vote

By Sen. Theodore Cruz
Conservative Incumbent

This is the first time I’ve ever admitted this, but I think the Democrat has a point!

You guys deserve a break, so don’t worry about voting this year. I know you must be tired from all your fancy protesting. We’ve just been sending the National Guard in and ignoring you anyways, then using it to delegitimize my opponent as a threat to national security — that must be exhausting. Treat yourself! Take election day off! Save money on stamps! Politics aren’t that important, so no need for you to vote.

Regardless of whether you vote or not, we have safety nets in place to ensure Republicans are gonna win this one. Senator Cruz, how are you going to do this, you might ask? We are gerrymandering all the way down to your house. Your kitchen is now technically a bedroom. We have placed fake ballot boxes throughout the county. We have talented scouts waiting in the wings to neutralize you if you do find your way to a legitimate ballot drop-off box. Don’t worry, I will ensure this election is secure — for proponents of my ideology.

Wouldn’t you do the same if it meant staying in power so you can continue to erode constitutional rights for people you don’t like? I promise you, my fellow proud boys, I’m all for constitutional rights—especially when guns are involved. I am campaigning on a return to old American values coined by even older white men; not because I actually believe in them, but because I like having old pieces of paper to point at.

Honestly, I myself question whether Democrats should even have the right to vote! Man to man, if you’re a liberal, you shouldn’t have rights anymore. If you choose to be a snowflake lib, then you choose to forsake your right to vote — in that sense, I’m pro-choice.

I mean, maybe if you all went out and voted for Biden, he would stand a chance against my party’s corruption. I’ll certainly make you stand outside in the rain at voting booths long enough to question your convictions.

But I guess y’all are gonna stay home so it doesn’t really matter anyways.

Distribution Lieutenant at The MQ

Kaz Nuckowski is a Copy Editor for the Muir Quarterly. They are usually found in Half Dome laughing and encouraging students to share their wit or giving their own suggestions to make everyone else laugh. Never doubt Kaz and their skills because they will surprise you, especially when the spread has a comic open and they are feeling inspired!

Managing Editor

Beans Cox is a crystal carrying, palm/tarot reading, vegan hipster who is obviously from Portland, Oregon. Her favorite type of bean is pinto.

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