On October 9, Michael Zhao officially called it. Listing the time of death as 10:28 pm, Zhao loudly proclaimed that UCSD truly was UC Socially Dead.
“I’m done. I have yet to find a single party and it’s already Week 2 — I should have believed all those College Confidential posts. As a pre-med freshman who has spent a total of 17 days at UCSD, I’m obviously the only qualified person to make this call.”
Reacting to the news, Chancellor Khosla managed to whisper, “So? It’s not like I care what some kid thinks… I’m not taking it personally or anything,” before breaking down in tears and locking himself in his room. Khosla could not be reached for further comment. However, reporters have acquired receipts that confirm the Chancellor has eaten 15 pint-size bins of Ben & Jerry’s and rewatched Dirty Dancing over 50 times since disappearing two days ago.
Michael Zhao appeared unfazed after causing Khosla’s apparent meltdown.
“It’s his fault for only admitting weirdos into UCSD. We could be cooler than SDSU if he would’ve just lowered the bar for admissions, or at least as cool as Cal State San Marcos. Where are the coke addicts? Where are my alcoholics? I’m not saying everybody should abandon their hopes and dreams for short term satisfaction, but at least a couple people to get the party started.”
The administration swiftly retaliated against Zhao’s harsh accusations by sending out a schoolwide email proclaiming Zhao, “a little shithead.”
Candlelight vigils have been scheduled throughout the week as UCSD students pay their final respects to the school’s social life.
Even the 34,168 Christian organizations on campus set aside their differences to lead a multi-faith prayer for UCSD. Jose Pierre, president of Christians Against Spiders, led the eulogy and only stopped the service twice to sweep for spiders.
“My name is Jose. I am a Triton, a Christian, and an arachnophobe, and I’ll be speaking on behalf of every student who tried to get absolutely shitfaced at UCSD. I remember the first party I threw, it was the most adorable little kickback you could imagine. There was food and drink, we played Pin the RAID on the spider, and I even got to second base in that game of rounders we played outside. So, when the news came that Zhao had said it was dead you could imagine my anguish. I’d like to take a moment now… wait, what’s that thing over there. In that corner, by that kid in the orange shirt. Shit, is that a spider?”
While some students have accepted Zhao’s decision, other students refuse to take the proclamation lying down.
Protesters have already formed outside Zhao’s dorm, begging him to reconsider his decision. With tears streaming down her face, Jennifer Kuo, the leader of the protest, told a reporter: “If he would just give us another chance, I’m sure we can turn things around. We just need one more shot.” Kuo also pledged to, “go absolutely crazy and throw a party with more than five people.”
When asked how he has spent his time at UCSD so far, Zhao responded, “I’ve mainly been going to and from class. When I have free time I either do homework or watch Netflix in my room. I would spend more time outside, but all the people handing out flyers for social clubs and organizations on Library Walk are too aggressive. It’s easier to just stay away from it all.”
Written by: Arya Kaul
