Written by: Lawrence Lee

In an ongoing campus tour, third-year undergraduate tour guide Irene Montani led her 24-person tour group up the entirety of Peterson Hill in frustration at her tour’s lack of enthusiasm.

“Labs are supposed to be required sessions in which you practice hands-on, practical applications of what — hey, is anyone even listening?” Montani said, raising her voice, after she stopped in front of Peterson Hall.

“You know, I’ve been having such a terrible week, and working this awful job with you ungrateful bunch of no-good, financial-aid stealing twerps isn’t helping,” she proceeded to yell to the entire group. “Do you even care that discussions usually consist of reviewing course material in smaller classroom settings?”

The tour group was seen struggling to trek up the steep, unforgiving incline of Peterson Hill in the 90 degree weather, with a vast majority of its members sweating profusely through their shirts. During the walk, Montani deemed herself “too pissed” to even introduce the tour group to any of the cute guys she noticed or professors she had once for a general education class.

Earlier in the tour, a seagull reportedly defecated on the back of an unsuspecting Montani’s head, prompting her to spit out “fuck” under her breath and subsequently instruct her tour group to walk back and forth on Library Walk three times while she washed her hair in the fountain next to the bookstore.

“It’ll really give you a good feel for the UCSD atmosphere,” she said as the group immediately began to attract the attention of students handing out flyers.

Montani’s disposition did not go unnoticed by the suffering tour group members.

“I don’t really appreciate that she’s clearly not invested in doing well in her job,” commented Christopher Inez, a parent on the tour. “So I bring my son all the way to San Diego to take a good look at the schools here, and this is the kind of tour we get? He’s still a shy, impressionable kid, so I hope [Montani’s] shoddy attitude doesn’t make him think poorly of the school. At Harvard, the tour guides were in groups of three, and the entire tour was performed acapella.”

His son, 18-year-old high school senior Tory Inez, had started the tour with high hopes for his prospects at UC San Diego, bolstered by solid academic performance, self-proclaimed “bitchin’” personal statement, and instantaneous attraction to Montani.

“She’s kinda hot, isn’t she?” he was heard muttering to himself near the beginning of the tour. “Maybe I’ll talk to her, and one thing will lead to another, and my parents will magically disappear, and then she and I will have this deep, connected moment, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll come back in April for Triton Day and she’ll remember me from so many months ago, and if the stars do truly shine on me, we’ll reunite by having a romantic, self-sympathizing tryst right after I tell her I got rejected from Harvard, Cornell, and Dartmouth.”

But after the group’s meandering on Library Walk and hike up Peterson Hill, Inez seemed to have changed his mind.

“Not sure… if this college thing… is really for me,” he puffed out to his father in between alternating, massive gulps of air and water.

At press time, Montani was seen leading her tour group back down Peterson Hill along a path that unmistakably led towards Sixth College.

MQ Alum, former Web Editor at The MQ

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