Photo by: Trevor Malone
A rising star in the refreshment industry, Pepperson, Co., recently announced the much anticipated release of Condensed Steam (patent pending). Pryce Pepperson, CEO of Pepperson, Co., claimed that Condensed Steam (patent pending), will bring about a “refreshing change” to the market and surpass their last product, Melted Ice™, in sales.
When asked about how he came about the idea, Pepperson responded, “I don’t know. I feel like people need a lot more energy in their lives, you know? Like you can’t just be dry about every matter that comes about and you can’t be chafing about how you should approach certain matters. Be fluid. See how I’m moving my hands as if it was an ocean wave? Yeah. Be like that.”
Described by his colleagues as “successful, yet not arrogant; humble, yet not a pushover,” Pepperson mentions that he does notice possible criticisms.
“I get it. Many of these people think that I just took the flavor right out of Vitaminwater and slapped my own, witty product name onto the bottle, and should be shot for that. I’ve had my fair share of consumer vigilantism in my past days,” he laughed.
“But I want to let these people know that Condensed Steam, patent pending, will bring about a change in their point of view. A-qua-rantee you that.”
However, Pepperson became provoked when confronted with possible competition.
“I understand that some can’t make money from their own terrible ideas, and that some people are desperate enough to make money by ripping off innovations – that’s just how the market works and I can maybe let things slide. But Arrowhead? Seriously? Who names their product Arrowhead? And the taste! Ugh. Put an arrowhead through my head if I ever drink anymore of that shit, Jesus! If you’re going to keep flooding the market with cheap shit, everyone is going to go down the drain!”
When asked about experiences with the product Melted IceTM, the public responded:
“When I accidentally spilled my bottle of Melted IceTM on my skin, it became lively, and smooth! No more white flakes or rough, scaly skin! Now I apply Melted IceTM every day before I leave to work to show off my healthy glow! A lotion that you can drink, too? Thanks, Pepperson!” described Wendy Kingsburg, licensed dermatologist.
Sandra, a proud single mother exclaimed, “Now, when I feel sad and lonely about my husband leaving me, I don’t have to drink wine to apply a quick fix to my crippling depression! I can always turn to Melted IceTM to be a cute, little buddy who won’t leave for some cheap whore he found at the back of a Marshall’s! 10/10 recommend!”
Meanwhile, when asked about the release of Condensed Steam (patent pending), Tim, pro-Apple Inc. activist claimed, “With the emergence of Melted IceTM, and the announcement of Condensed Steam (patent pending), I am assured that the future of the refreshment industry will flourish under the guidance and innovation of Pepperson, Co. From the simple, breath-taking name to the excellent, top-of-the-line product quality, Melted IceTM was, and is, a holy grail of the failing market that is the refreshment industry.”
Near the end of the interview, Pepperson expressed a new idea to subjugate the men’s fragrance department, with a product called “H2Ohhh Yeahh Baby.”
Written by: Chris Lee
The premier satire magazine at UC San Diego.
