November 1, 2023 Read it and weep profusely. Volume XXX Issue II


Area Cat First Ever to Catch the Red Dot

Written by: The MQ

Jagermanmeister recently added a new wing onto his house with a pool and a driving range, but ended up preferring a piece of toilet paper on the floor for entertainment.
Photo by: Jacob Aquirre

Guthrie Jagermanjensen, a seven-year-old British shorthair from Claremont Mesa accomplished the “glorious feat” of catching the red dot that has eluded cats around the world for generations. With an owner-shot Youtube video as proof, Jagermanjensen has since received lucrative endorsement deals with many cat-friendly companies and now lives in a luxurious cat mansion in Del Mar Heights.

Jagermanjensen reported he will live out the rest of his days attended to by a butler and an endless buffet of premium Fancy Feast.

“I shall surely receive a seat next to the Almighty Sphinx in the Sacred Realm for this,” he commented.

Jagermanjensen stated that at one time his life trajectory was far from heading toward success: “My first owner was pretty okay, but I was taken away from her after I was busted for a catnip growing operation I started with some Persian blue homies. Those cats are crazy as shit and will do anything to make a buck. We were selling to all the strays, and even to some squirrels who would go absolutely bonkers on that stuff. One of them ratted us out to my owner and next thing you know I was in a shelter.” Jagermanjensen was facing euthanasia for catnip trafficking and resisting capture by attempting to look really, really cute and lovable.

Jagermanjensen was eventually picked up at the shelter by a new owner where he says he first encountered the red dot.

“He and his bros would always smoke this human catnip out of a bubbly tube and one time a red dot appeared through the smoke. As soon as I saw it I went toward it, but it moved, and they all stood around giggling! It kept moving and I wasn’t fast enough to snag it. Soon, it was my nine lives’ mission to catch the red dot and imbue my paws with its incredible power.”

Jagermanjensen recalled that his mere adoration turned into idolatry as the red dot kept appearing before him. “The red dot was the reason for waking up super early, like, before noon. It became more important than drinking goddamned water. I abstained from diddling the neighbor’s cat for an eternity, almost three whole days, because I had to keep watch at home if the red dot appeared.”

As the weeks went by, Jagermanjensen gained several pounds from eating to entertain himself while waiting for the red dot to materialize.

“Look, I’m not fat, I’m pleasantly plump. Fat is like 34 pounds, I was only 27. Do the math, human.” Despite monumental weight gain, the pleasantly plump Guthrie caught the red dot through a body slam maneuver on September 30th with his owner uploading the video promptly afterward.

Within a week after the initial upload, the clip gained over 175 million views and spawned many vines, memes, and the awkward hashtag #jagermanjawesome as the endorsement deals arrived. Jagermanjensen merchandise also went on the market and began outselling Grumpy Cat products by 80 percent.

“What I really miss is the joy of looking really cute to get more food,” Jagermanjensen said of his success. “Now I have a butler and an epic endorsement from Fancy Feast. The caloric intake is infinite, but where’s the fun in that? I should consider getting a paid ‘owner’ in my palace to beg food from. Now that would be the cat’s meow!”

Written by: Andrew Showalter

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *