The MQ
Top Ten Similarities Between Supreme Court Justices Being Sworn In and the First Day of Kindergarten
As long as you remember which hand is your right one and how to write your name you should be fine You can tell who the …
Top Ten Ways You, Taking Your Midterm, Resemble Laika, the Dog the Russians Shot into Space
You’re rapidly learning about the beautiful cruelty of man About halfway through it got hard to tell which way was up All of this is in …
Top Ten Ways Not to Use a Blender
While in a microwave As a food processor. No respectable chef would call that a “mince” Holding it up to the sky to try and make …
Satire Paper “Good For a Chuckle Occasionally”
In an unofficial poll, a local student satire paper was deemed “Most Useful for a ‘Chuckle’ from Time to Time,” after a neck-and-neck race against the …
Academy Introduces Silver and Rose Gold Statuettes
After facing enormous backlash from the public regarding the lack of diversity present at the recent Academy Awards ceremony, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and …
Mannequin Bites Dog
Chomp. Terror. Shrieks swell. Macy’s torn asunder. It must’ve been bad chemicals. The ground shows a leash, disconnected and undone. Headless and personified, its Calvin Klein …
Local Student Diagnosed as Legally Blind from Rolling Eyes Too Far Back
Paul Marshall, a Warren College senior, was diagnosed as blind Thursday at Scripps Hospital after his eyes rolled irreversibly far back into his skull. Marshall was …
Student Found In C.S. Dungeon After Week Long Disappearance
After being missing for a whole week, local computer science student Alan Bergeron was discovered in what computer science majors call the “CS Dungeon.” After searching …
Linguists Discover “i” in Team
A group of local linguists discovered Tuesday that, contrary to a popular aphorism, there is in fact an ‘i’ in “team.” Although a representative from the …
Kevin Faulconer Confesses Love to San Diego Chargers Right Before they Board Plane to LA
San Diego Mayor Kevin Faulconer was spotted running through San Diego International Airport in an attempt to confess his love to the Chargers before they boarded …
