“Getting vaccinated sure is addicting,” said Schmobby. “I’m already on my third card.”
Photo by Robin Brewin
With COVID-19 cases and hospitalizations on the rise, local governments and businesses are trying to encourage the remaining unvaccinated population to get the vaccine. At one San Diego vaccination site, for instance, newly vaccinated people can take home a 55-gallon drum of Pillsbury Funfetti Vanilla Frosting, provided that the person can fit it into their car or scoop it into their purse. In what many are calling “pure American greed in the face of free shit,” some recipients have elected to connect thousands of straws together to bring a fresh tap of Funfetti frosting to their home. Whatever the case may be, interest in vaccinations is on the rise in San Diego.
Dr. Doug Howbowsky, a CDC-appointed official for the site, explained the events that led people to strap barrels of frosting to the roofs of their cars: “At first, we thought people would get vaccinated for the sake of lowering their risk of contracting COVID-19, preventing serious illness in the case of infection, and protecting the immunocompromised. But with the rampant vaccine disinformation circling on anti-vax Facebook groups and pandemic conspiracy subreddits, it became clear that we would need to encourage people in a different way.”
“We started giving away these snazzy ‘Kickin’ it, Medically!’ stickers so that people could ‘flex’ on nearby unvaccinated kids, much like those ‘I Voted’ stickers you get at polling stations,” said Howbowsky. “But some groups of vagrant children colored in parts of the stickers and started sticking them on the backs of our doctors and nurses as some sort of sick prank. My back was sore before lunch, when I then realized my celebration sticker had been mutilated to ‘Kick Me.’ This was a huge oversight.”
“The failure of our sticker operation became less surprising as we soon learned that people were taking livestock- grade ivermectin instead of getting the vaccine,” continued Howbowsky. “My colleagues and I hypothesized that the recent trend in furry, brony, and pegasister culture might be responsible for this uptick in self-administered horse deworming medicine. Our solution to this was to start appealing to everyone’s ‘inner-horse’ by hand-feeding people apples, carrots, and sugar cubes with each jab, as well as calling them cute pony names like ‘Horsey,’ ‘Pestilence,’ and ‘Seabiscuit.’ We were able to rein in a lot of unvaccinated folks with this new strategy, but still, many continued saying ‘neigh.’ This is when we realized we had to bring out the big guns: 55-gallon tubs chock-full of the most divine substance on our planet. And we’re happy to say it’s our most successful incentive yet.”
“Usually I tend to avoid vaccines, especially for my little ones, because of the threats of autism and microchips. The chemicals they put into those syringes are nothing but trouble for the human body!” said Linda Vinda, a La Jolla mother of two as she shoveled fistfuls of Double Chocolate Trouble Funfetti into her mouth. “But when it comes down to being pro- Funfetti or anti-vax, the frosting will always take the cake.”
“I wish they were injecting that colorful goodness straight into my bloodstream instead of this weird vaccine juice that doesn’t even have confetti sprinkles,” says Bobby Schmobby, an Oceanside resident. “But if getting vaccinated to protect myself and others stands between me and getting my hands on 55 gallons of fun, it’s a sacrifice I am begrudgingly willing to make.”