Buns hid his woodpecker at the sight of Great Tits.
Photo by Sharon Roth
Passing by a group of female students on his way to throw out the trash, UCSD student Barry Buns was overheard exclaiming, “Holy crap, that’s a pair of Great Tits!” Unbeknownst to the female students, who thought the comment was made regarding them, Buns had actually made the first recorded sighting of the Great Tit, a rare bird, on UCSD campus. The pair of birds in question were spotted nestled between the trash cans outside of Pines, likely feeding off scraps of food that failed to make it into the bins.
After getting wind of the sighting, Dr. Noughta Hoax expressed her surprise. “Personally, I have never seen Great Tits on campus. Scholarly sources demonstrate the species is endemic to most of Eurasia, not North America. That, coupled with the fact that its short wingspan does not permit transpacific migratory routes, the bird’s appearance in southern California is highly unlikely. This is a most titillating discovery!”
Despite scholarly skepticism, most of campus has warmly accepted the Great Tit’s arrival. The UCSD Bird Watchers’ Club, often referred to as “tantalized Tit lovers,” has erected large silver poles for some newly-made birdhouses to sit. The club organizers housed the birds according to Tit size, with the smallest housed in A coops and the largest in DD coops.
Not everybody has opened their hearts to Great Tits. Chancellor Khosla was enraged over reports that the newcomers not only stole food from HDH’s trash, they also did not pay international student tuition. He demanded that the birds pay reparations, lest he “put the Hindenburg to shame” and “personally burn all the bird housing with his “mecha suit armed with dual-wielding flamethrowers,” which was created using last year’s increase in student tuition as funding.
Beyond campus, the San Diego area has treated the Great Tits as their dearest bosom friends, and have created many opportunities to honor the newcomers. Tattoo parlors throughout the San Diego area launched a new “Tit for Tat” deal where customers can send in a picture of a Great Tit for a reduced price. The new tagline for their deal is: “The Bigger the Tits, the bigger the discount.” In response to the arrival of the Tits, Hooters has done nothing at all.
Since not all students are on campus to see the Great Tits, Dr. Hoax has hosted weekly cam shows titled “OnlyFlaps,” where she boasts a pair of Great Tits — that is, the couple that has nested on the windowsill of her laboratory window. The ornithologist has even started a Twitter account to show off the birds, which has had a disappointing debut, only garnering a handful of followers. “I mean who doesn’t wanna see a great pair? What more do the people want from me? It’s not like I’m milking these tits for views and retweets. I just want eyes to be up here, looking at these magnificent creatures.”
