Student Comes Out as Non-binary, Assaulted with Kindness

Local student, Bandrew Bitko, has recently reported an “assault of kindness” after they came out as non-binary. Bitko stated, “I really thought my friends would have mild or even indifferent reactions to this announcement, maybe with some hidden disgust? With all my friend groups and their wavering political opinions, I thought I’d get slain in the groupchat by somebody. But,” Bitko continued with an unwavering smile, “I’ve had nothing happen to me other than people literally yelling their praise at me for my transition, and their admiration for what they call ‘bravery.’”

While this situation is essentially resulting from the manifestation of love towards a single person, Bitko has reported some subsequent issues. “I am unable to stop smiling,” he remarked. “This smile has been plastered on my face for a week and I am unable to get it off. It honestly hurts at this point, so I’ve filed a formal complaint with my brain for this assault on my body. While it takes less muscles to smile than frown, I’d still like to have those muscles in use sometimes, to take the load off.” Witnesses noted that Bitko has started to attach weights to their cheeks in order to force the smile down. Upon questioning, he declared that the weights “haven’t done shit.”