November 1, 2023 Read it and weep profusely. Volume XXX Issue II

Written by: Dan Kaliblotzky

Gamestop Offers $5 Trade-in Deal for GME Shares

Video game retailer GameStop has unveiled a new trade-in service in response to the attention they’ve received from the stock market. In addition to trading in video games for cash or store credit, patrons can now go to a GameStop location and trade in GME stock at a rate of five dollars per share.

“I got some GME stock in all the short-squeeze excitement, and I’m so glad I can use it at my favorite local GameStop location,” said customer Dave Jarrellson. “I don’t go out of the house often, but now there’s no issue of greater priority than underselling high-value property so I can get a used 2DS half-off!”

GameStop has initiated several executive changes to sustain the recent success of the company. CEO George Sherman has resigned and will be replaced by current majority shareholder u/PM_ ME_WALUIGI_PORN. As they stepped into the position, the new CEO published a statement for their Reddit followers. “I invested in GameStop because I knew it would succeed as a company. The stock price right now just proves that I was right,” said the CEO, “and doesn’t expose any commonly exploited flaws of the system at all. Some people are saying Redditors treat stock trading like a stupid game, but in the words of the oft-repeated business adage, ‘power to the players!’”

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Dan Kaliblotzky is a fourth-year at UCSD. He aspires to find a career in soulful heavy metal Phineas and Ferb covers.

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