Future Millionaire
Sometimes it’s hard to be living in America, especially right now because of the whole pandemic thing going on, but we can’t forget all the great things America stands for. America is freedom. America is pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and saving up enough money to make more money. And America is not wearing a mask to express your First Amendment rights, no matter how many people suffer or die from an ongoing pandemic propagated through the constant failure to garner any sort of empathy for others. We can all agree that we have a certain sexy president to thank for that. That’s right, the reason America is what it is today, the person who made all of this possible — Ronald Reagan.
Ronald Reagan was an American hero. He was president during a pandemic, and everything worked out fine back then!
Reagan’s trickle-down economics are masterful. A lot of people think the system is unfair, but they aren’t economists, so it doesn’t matter. A lot of economists called this unfair, but they’re wrong and I don’t want to listen to them. Of course giving tax cuts to rich people is going to make them more charitable and more willing to spend their vast amounts of money on things, therefore bolstering the economy. Why would they hoard their wealth? The only thing to gain from that is getting more rich. Imagine how much worse everything would be if, instead of giving the $2.2 trillion to bail out Wall Street over an understandable woopsie, all that money from the government went to hardworking people? Those chumps wouldn’t know how to spend it! They’d probably save it all up and not even bother trying to keep the economy running. You know, I hate people like that, who do things that only serve their own agenda.
And now people are complaining about how this is the worst unemployment crisis since the Great Depression, but you don’t see my family complaining when my mom’s favorite massage parlor closed, or when my dad had to fire his secretary when she missed too much work taking care of her sick sister. As a fourth-generation immigrant, I know the struggles of feeling like the world is against me. We’ve sacrificed so much to be in this position, and to live the life we had. During the Irish Potato Famine, my family had nothing, so we immigrated from Scotland to find a better life in America. But we immigrated the right way, you know? There has to be a right way of doing things. And of course I believe that. Reagan himself said something like that, or at least his fans think so, and anyway, why wouldn’t I trust the man who has been featuring in my dreams for the last 10 years? If you follow these rules, no matter where you come from, or who you are, you can succeed. There hasn’t been any evidence to the contrary … for me.
Former Editor-in-Chief. Like an ouroboros, her jokes consume themselves until no one knows whether they were ever funny. But they are.
