November 1, 2023 Read it and weep profusely. Volume XXX Issue II


I’m Batman

Written by: Jacob King

By Jeff Bezos
Beloved Billionaire

We live in unprecedented times where world-altering challenges such as climate change, racial injustice, and, of course, the pandemic face us at every corner. For the regular person doing anything about these issues, it may seem impossible. I am no regular person though. Through my sole genius and unparalleled business acumen, I was able to create one of the largest companies in the world, accrueing me (rightfully so) a fortune so large that it’s unimaginable. The sheer wealth I possess gives me the power to single-handedly fix any issue of my choosing. When looking at all the problems facing the world, I feel the best use of funds would be me dressing up like a bat and fighting petty crime on the streets.

Now you may be wondering, “how can under-appreciated, handsome billionaire Jeff Bezos be Batman? They are nothing alike.” Well, that’s where you are wrong. Your question contains an answer in itself. Bruce Wayne and I are both billionaires. The Wayne family’s large disposable income is truly what makes Batman a superhero. It is not his duty or sense of justice that allows Batman to be Gotham City’s greatest crime fighter, it is his wealth that allows him to buy the tools of the trade. Even his skill as a problem solver and a detective are useless; he could just pay someone to do that. Batman’s biggest failure is that he chooses to do everything himself when could just pay other people much less money that they are worth to do whatever he needs. This is a shortcoming I do not have. As the CEO of a large corporation, I have the experience of matching people with the right skill to the right job and then exploiting them for everything they are worth. While my parents aren’t dead, if that is a necessary factor it can be arranged.

Another part of becoming Batman that I want you all to consider is how differently I will be perceived. Now to help get the point across, I’ll use an example: Let’s say that Bruce had done something bad before becoming Batman, like cheating on his wife as a random example. Now let’s say that he was Batman for about a year and then revealed to his ex-wife that he was the great crimefighter. I’m sure that ex-wife would then forgive him and come back to live in his cool 250 million-dollar mansion in Beverly Hills. Now, I’m not saying that’s what’s going to happen, but the example illustrates the point I’m trying to get across, MacKenzie. Now prepare for justice to be delivered to anyone, anywhere — within two days of original need, or next-day justice with Amazon Prime.

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