Vending Machine Mixup Has COVID Tests Replaced With Dildos

“Ask not what your university can dildo for you, ask what you can dildo to yourself,” posed Sterbater.
Photo by Jack Yang

Chaos erupted last Monday evening at UCSD when a system error in UCSD Health’s requisition algorithms replaced the nose swabs in every COVID-19 vending machine with dildos. First-responding CSOs acted quickly to open the vending machines and remove the misplaced sex toys, and UCSD HDH faculty disposed of the multicolored dildos in trash bins, a move that many claimed to be “the most efficient UCSD has ever been.” Unfortunately, not even three hours later, the system malfunction occurred again, and the sex toys were restored in the next restocking of the machines.

A HDH staff member on the scene, Matt Sterbater, insisted that “thousands of students were flocking to the vending machines to get their own sex toy. Staff members were the most excited, though. They were trampling kids and shoving people and shit. Even staff members need a stiff member sometimes.” An anonymous UCSD student commented, “There were so many penises, I can’t wait to hear the Chancellor make a statement about this!”

Since the plan to dispose of the dildos (more colloquially called The Dildo Disposal Design) failed due to students and faculty alike raiding the collection bins, UCSD admin recruited the self-proclaimed “greatest coder in the country” Dr. Heinrich Shmoofendirtz to “get all up inside there and fix the machines, or whatever.” However, the malfunction was stiff enough to stump even Shmoofendirtz, whose “bug-fix-inator” only resulted in the ordering of seven metric tons of dental dams instead of biohazard bags. An observant student noted that “after giving it the good ol’ college try, UCSD admin resorted to their usual problem-solving tactic of pretending it never happened.” As the staff members swiftly left the scene, the students reportedly cheered in unison “Yippee, the dongs are here to stay!”

This long and hard situation took a positive turn when medical statisticians started reporting a large decrease COVID cases on campus. One UCSD scientist, Dr. E. Rekshun, reported that the rate of new infections is down 75% from December. “As it turns out, free dildos are the most effective form of COVID-19 prevention that the world has seen to date. These sex toys are keeping students satisfied on their own, decreasing the need for in-person gatherings. In fact, there’s hardly anybody walking around campus anymore because everyone’s in their own dorms beating their meat!”. Dr. Rekshun explained how he had wanted to gather statements from students for more accurate data, but “it was extremely hard to find any that weren’t inside their dorms ‘flicking the bean.’ The only time I was able to track down anybody is after I yelled ‘ANAL BEADS!’ outside of Tamarack.” He added that the reviews he did obtain from students were overwhelmingly positive. “Apparently, Macy F ‘likes the way her dildo feels on her cooter,’ and Dave P likes to ‘stick it up his butt!’”

Medical scientists were “satisfied and pleased” with the dildo accident and its positive effect on campus COVID-19 rates. After witnessing UCSD’s success, other UCs have announced they are in the works of creating their own dildo vending machines to reduce infections on their campuses. One school’s announcement concludes with: “So go down to your nearest campus vending machine and get yourself a dildo, because, as Dr. Fauci always says: ‘If masturbating saves lives, then become the biggest lifesaver there is.’”