“I have my rights,” said one rioter, “and it’s my job to make sure that other people don’t.”
Photo by Jack Yang
On January 6, a group of rioters stormed the United States Capitol building in order to protest alleged voter fraud in the 2020 presidential election. Many have become notorious for their actions or their dress, but recently released images depicting a clan of men dressed as Vikings at the forefront of the mob have been making waves in social media. These “vikings” were detained just days after their raid upon the Capitol and sent to prison for trespassing. While in prison, the “vikings” agreed to interviews “in order to pass the time and get a 13 minute reduction on our 60 minute timeout sentences.”
Jake Angeli, the “QAnon Shaman” pictured in many images from the Capitol, explained the tattoos that were across his chest and arms. “These tattoos all have a deep and important meaning to my heritage. I have Mjolnir, the hammer of Thor, Yggdrasil the ‘Tree of Life,’ and even Valknut, ‘the knot of the slain.’ These images are symbols of pride placed upon my ancestors after surpassing trials of great strife. I wish I knew more specifics, but I just got them because it shows I’m a white supremacist.” When asked why Vikings would support the overthrow of a modern democracy, Angeli responded: “I don’t actually know much about the Vikings. I know they invented football, they were white — like, white as hell — and they were based.” When presented with the fact that Viking society valued equal rights for people of all genders, and every member was relied on to participate in the democratic process, Angeli simply responded: “You remind me of this wojak with his mouth open, I wish I had my phone to show it to you.”
Aaron Mostofsky, who was captured wearing fur pelts and carrying a riot shield taken from a police officer, was asked what part he took in the raid. “I took on the strong Viking role of the watcher; I watched as everyone else ransacked the Capitol and looted. My goal was to make sure that no one did anything illegal, or I would have walked over to them and nicely asked them to stop. I didn’t end up having to. I think everyone was very nice.” When asked for his thoughts about his possible 10-year sentence, Mostofsky said, “My dad’s a judge, I’m actually already on bail. I’m just here because my dad said it might be a good networking opportunity for future jobs.”
Another “viking,” who asked to remain anonymous, threw a fire extinguisher at an officer from behind, resulting in the officer’s death. “I think the strongest vikings would have been proud of me for my combat skills. Throwing a blunt object at an unaware foe is very Chad energy. The strongest vikings made sure to stealthily move around the camps they raided and murder their enemies without giving them even a chance to defend themselves. To make this more clear, I’ve drawn myself as Chad holding the fire extinguisher to solidify my name in Valhalla.” The viking then rolled up his sleeve to reveal a blurry, indiscernible ink stain.
The trio was notified that their sentences would be nullified if “they confessed they were Antifa operatives and said they were sorry.” Each declined the plea deal, announcing they would rather “rot in jail than be associated with Antifa.” The vikings were released within the hour, with the official report stating “good behavior” as the rationale.
Andrew Sitko was recently arrested by the comedy police and charged for Possession of Killer Jokes. This is their second offense following a Grand Larceny charge from January 27th, 2003.
