According to ISS Reports, The United States “Looks Purple From Space”


Written by: Kaz Nuckowski

The discovery that the US is purple came completely out of the blue.
Photo by Sharon Roth

A new revolutionary technology developed by NASA capable of detecting and mapping political sentiments was finally deployed for official use on the International Space Station. According to initial reports by astronauts, the United States appears purple rather than dominantly red or blue, unlike previous approximations by political scientists suggested.

Russian ISS astronaut Alexei Oblonsky was unsurprised. “When you squint it all looks the same. New York, Texas, cities, rural areas, it’s all purple. Look at Russia and China … that’s where it’s really red. You Americans, you either think you are the moral center of the world or the most oppressive country in the world, but clearly you have never seen corruption in the Kremlin.”

Buzz Aldrin provided some context for Oblonsky’s thoughts in a commentary. “When you look at the Earth from so far away … you know, there is a distance you can’t even have from a typical passenger plane. You can’t even have the distance emotionally, hearing about America while in other countries. You need to be on another planet to truly leave America, but having been on the moon gives me and all other astronauts partial clarity. We can actually collect conclusive data. That’s why our statements on historical politics are so definitive, too — we have the distance of not only space, but time.”

Through a secondary analysis on career politicians, political scientists found that most American politicians are similarly colored purple. Dr. Abernathy, an expert in political alignment geography technology and a self-declared “cool Jewish mom,” explained: “Despite appearances and party lines, all American politicians seem to be corrupted by similar motivations, and their personal colors usually ranged from purple to red.”

Among political activists, there has been significant vocal opposition to the analysis. “Those dirty socialists are nothing like us!” said Evan Borowski, a self-declared libertarian. “Bernie and AOC want to destroy our free market and take away all our guns, and we can’t let that happen.” After further study, experts concluded that the libertarian candidates Borowski campaigned for were reddish lavender “at best.” Sen. Bernie Sanders and Rep. Alexandria Ocasio Cortez, by contrast, were both periwinkle. Contrary to Borowski’s claims, Sanders long supported gun ownership, and Cortez is at most a democratic socialist.

According to Dr. Abernathy, Cortez represents “The most blue popular politician on the national stage right now.” Abernathy continued, saying, “And she’s not even very blue. We thought it was a malfunction at first, but a lot of Democrats are actually showing up red on our data.” She then qualified, “God, I wish the claims about socialism in the Democratic Party were true though, maybe we would actually see more progressive policies. So much for the ‘loony left.’ Trump and McConnell, try again next time.” She then aimed her middle finger at the nearest camera, claiming, “Trump, I know you’ll be watching this. I hate you. I hate you so much.” Dr. Abernathy’s own color has been described by many people to be “a pleasing shade of cobalt.”

Abernathy also addressed public questions concerning recent political trends, saying “The polarization IS real, but we’ve only moved a few shades in either direction. Most Americans want similar things, but refuse to listen to each other. Except Neo-Nazis. They can fuck off.”

Distribution Lieutenant at The MQ

Kaz Nuckowski is a Copy Editor for the Muir Quarterly. They are usually found in Half Dome laughing and encouraging students to share their wit or giving their own suggestions to make everyone else laugh. Never doubt Kaz and their skills because they will surprise you, especially when the spread has a comic open and they are feeling inspired!

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