November 1, 2023 Read it and weep profusely. Volume XXX Issue II

Written by: Dan Kaliblotzky

Local Woman Rage Quits Over Van Incident

This past weekend, local congresswoman Chessy Bengal held a rally for the upcoming election in hopes to secure a reelection from the citizens of Ryland, CA. She started the rally detailing the events of a recent almost hit-and-run that occurred on I-5 North.

“Heading from Genesee back to Sorrento Valley, this horrible 2021 Honda Odyssey decided to cut me off on the freeway, almost taking out my front bumper and putting my children at risk!” Bengal spoke about how although vans are notoriously known for their owners being family owners, they “truly have the audacity to drive like freaks.”

Many rally attendees cheered for Bengal, shouting affirmations and agreeing with her statements. Brian Hume, an attendant of Bengal’s rally, told reporters: “I felt seen while Mrs. Bengal was talking about how van drivers will never go the right speed when you want them too. I trust her to represent the issues I face now. I seriously hope she gets elected and fixes this horrible issue in our community.”

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Dan Kaliblotzky is a fourth-year at UCSD. He aspires to find a career in soulful heavy metal Phineas and Ferb covers.

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